Category Archives: faith

moving past the unknown..

I’ve been thinking about the conversation we had back in August. The “I’m going back to college, and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life” conversation. Not an unfamiliar conversation between us. It surfaces on occasion, more so now that he is mid-way through his junior year at the university. Certainly, he has some thoughts and is working his way through a degree program, but there’s a nagging confusion that lingers in the shadows.

The unknown.

The unknown can be paralyzing, especially when you’re twenty-one and many in your peer group already have their five year goals in place and their resumes written. So often the unknown can foster paralyzing fear over adventurous faith, crippling insecurity over settled confidence. The unknown can keep a life stuck right where it is, walking in circles with feet shackled to the comfort of uncertainty. Yes, comfort. Sometimes it’s more comfortable to stay stuck in uncertainty than to move forward.

I’m not so unlike my son. I’m forty-five, and I’m still wrestling with what I want to be when I grow up. Some days, the unknown overshadows known truth, and I get stuck. Fear and insecurity creep in and the shackles around my feet seem an easier fit for me than the faith and confidence that is mine in Jesus Christ. Instead of progression, I regress. One step forward and two steps back isn’t in keeping with God’s growth plan for my life. Certainly, any forward movement is a gain, but at forty-five, I need to do more. With age, comes wisdom, and it’s time I started acting my age.

Acting. Action. A verb, not a suggestion. And so, I go back to that conversation I had with my son nearly six months ago, and I remember those few words I spoke into his confusion.

Try something new, son. Get out from behind your computer, get out of your dorm room and try something new… even if it’s uncomfortable. What’s comfortable isn’t working for you. It’s limiting your vision and keeping you stuck. Getting out into the world, meeting people face-to-face instead of on the Internet, is going to re-connect you to life. People and places—that’s where you’ll find it. Your dreams, your goals, the pulse that will move you forward into your “next.” It’s not in our DNA to stay put, to live inside. You’re a Killian… at the heart of it all, you’re a Killian. And Killians know that the best part of life is found in people. Go to them, son, and you’ll find your focus.

I’m pleased to report that my son has taken some new risks this year. He’s growing and maturing, moving into his own as his junior year unfolds. I see more confidence in his gait, more wisdom in his words, and I can’t help but think that just a few simple steps outside of his familiar are partly responsible for this ever-emerging transformation. He’s moving forward, and so must I.

Time to try something new. Time to get out from behind this computer screen and re-connect with life… face-to-face. As I look at my future, there are a multitude of unknowns looming on my horizon. The unknown could easily keep me shackled to my familiar. And while I cannot see much beyond today (and I’ve come to firmly believe this is a very good thing), I can take a few steps forward that will alter the course of my tomorrow. Just one or two baby steps to grow my confidence, to extend my faith. And then just one or two more beyond those initial ones. Before long… a lengthy accumulation of forward progression that will more fully transform me into the woman God intends.

A woman of adventurous faith and settled confidence. Oh to be her… even one little bit!

Movement wins, friends. With the cross before us, movement always wins. Keep to it. As always…

Peace for the journey,
elaine
PS: What steps are you taking to move yourself forward?

Jesus, her, and me…

“For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” –Matthew 18:20

 

Together we worshiped the Lord this morning. Just the three of us. Jesus, her, and me. I’d hoped that others would be there, planned on others being there, but when the big hand was on the ten and the little hand on the twelve, my hope merged with reality. Today, we kept it small. Today, it boiled down to just Jesus, her, and me. Jesus, my daughter, and me. And we didn’t let it dampen our enthusiasm. Instead, we kept doing what we’ve been doing for nearly two years now…

having Sunday School on the second floor of our church.

Some might ask, “Why bother? Why plan and prepare for ten when only one or two show up on a regular basis? Why the investment of energy and prayers and late night runs for supplies to supplement a lesson plan already burgeoning with abundance? Why sow largely into such smallness?”

Reasonable questions. On occasions, questions I’ve asked myself. But each time I do, I cycle back around to the only reasonable answer.

The church belongs to me, and I belong to the church.

When I became a Christian, I signed on to God’s investment plan—sowing his kingdom seed into the lives of those within reach. I don’t get to choose the conditions for that reach. My only obligation is to make sure that I continue to stretch my arms and release God’s heart into the hearts of those who sit beneath my influence. It matters not the size of the audience; what matters is my faithfulness to God’s calling for my life—to know God and then, out of that knowing, to lead others to know the same.

It takes a while to arrive there… to get comfortable with the parameters of God’s choosing. Two years ago, I would have told you that there was little room in my agenda for small investments. Two years ago, I was focused on larger parcels of land. Two years ago, I wasn’t prepared for a Sunday morning of just Jesus, her, and me. But today, it is enough—just Jesus, her, and me.

Today, I see more clearly than I saw two years ago. Pain, suffering, and loss have a way of tempering large notions. Pain, suffering, and loss have a way of sharpening personal perspective, shedding personal ambitions, and shaping a heart for effective ministry. It doesn’t always happen that way. Sometimes pain, suffering, and loss foster opposite understanding. But as for me, my pain, suffering, and loss have taught me the great lesson of reduction.

He must become more; I must become less.

For in that lesser estate, the greatness of God is revealed. And whenever the greatness of God is revealed, then heaven’s work goes on as planned. Even in a Sunday School classroom when it’s just Jesus, her, and me.

Especially then.

The church belongs to me, and I belong to the church. The church belongs to you, and you belong to the church. Whether you sow in largeness or in smallness this week, sow generously and sow always in the loving name of the Lord. God measures your kingdom influence not by numbers but rather by your faithfulness to minister to those numbers. Even when it’s just Jesus, her, and you.

Especially then.

Even so, keep to it. As always…

Peace for the journey,

elaine

the truth about God…

 {“… longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”}

First things first. I wish I could gift each one of you a copy of Lisa Whittle’s new book, {w}hole. It’s just that good. That being said, the family budget only allows for two winners this go around, and those who’ve been chosen through random.org are Tiffany @ Tea with Tiffany and Terri Tiffany. Weird that they both have Tiffany as a name. Congratulations girls. Please e-mail me your snail mail, and I’ll get these to you in swift order.

Now, on to a thought for the day. A question really. One that’s been simmering close to my heart these past couple of days, because my heart has been tenderly bruised by the painful realities that sometime accompany a heart’s vulnerability—a heart’s willingness to lay open for exposure without placing any conditions on how it may or may not be received. Problem is (whether we realize it or not), we almost always place conditions on such vulnerabilities. We long for certain outcomes, and when the outcomes don’t meet up with our initial expectations, we’re sometimes left with a deficit of hope.

“Hope deferred does, indeed, make the heart sick; but longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12).

Deferred hope. Who of us hasn’t experienced this kind of heartache at least once, twice, or fifty times in our lifetimes? When this happens, even as it has happened for me this week, we must practice our faith despite worldly contradictions. We must speak it, rehearse it, pray it, and read it until we finally, again, rise to believe it. If we are to recover from the searing pain of hopelessness, then we must hit our knees to the floor and reach out for truth. God’s truth. Not truth as the world gives, but the truth that truly is and that lives in the heart and witness of Jesus Christ.

So, here is my question for you. A fill-in-the-blank sort of pondering. What answers would you provide to the following statement?:

I know that God is ________________________, because ________________________ .

What one (realizing that there are many) characteristic of God is most relevant, most needful, most apparent to you today—one thing that you “know that you know that you know” about our God? And secondly, you know this to be true because… (try to be specific here using a particular example of when this particular characteristic of God was made evident in your life).

Why the exercise?

Because sometimes we need the benefit, the courage, the strength, and the testimony of other believers to buoy us along on our road toward deeper faith. I certainly could use your witness today. If you’re so inclined and have the time, I’d love to hear some truth about our God. As always…

Peace for the journey

movement wins…

Movement wins.

So whispered the Holy Spirit to my heart while I was out walking a couple of days ago. His strong encouragement came to me as I struggled to complete my customary three miles of moderate walking. In the last nine months, I suppose I’ve logged in nearly 700 miles. For the record, I’ve felt every one of them. There’s been some damage to my nerve endings as a result of the chemotherapy. In addition, my current medication, Arimidex, brings with it the side effect of joint pain … especially in the legs.

And so, there is this great contradiction that exists within my flesh—an inconsistency between what is reasonable and what is risky. Reasonable because, with a choice to forego exercise, I have a better chance of keeping personal pain at a minimum. Risky because, with a choice to work through the pain, it’s likely that I’ll “pay for it” the rest of the night—Epsom salts, hot baths, muscle cramps, and pain meds serving to salve my achiness. Thus, this discrepancy between reasonable and risky. Thus, two words from the Father in the midst of my deliberations.

Movement wins. Despite the pain involved, movement wins.

Movement moves me forward from where I was previously. Movement represents progression. Movement advances me beyond current stagnation and launches me down the path of heart-health. I know this to be true as I’ve witnessed my physical strengthening over these past months. Still and yet, what is true isn’t always an easy decision, especially when the decision is a guaranteed choice for additional pain. One really has to want to stay healthy when choosing risky over reasonable. Choosing the risky route can be a costly decision, but in the end, movement wins. So says God.

Could it be the same for our spiritual condition even as it is for our physical one? Is movement the key to securing the kingdom? Is risky over reasonable the only reasonable choice for our Jesus-hearts? Is a choice for more pain, more struggle, and more contradiction the way through to a break-through? To freedom?

Perhaps.

From the very beginning, we’ve been a people of movement. First from God’s Garden. Every step since those initial ones, mostly ones taken in anticipation of finding our way back there. Without our forward progression, we stay put … stay anchored to known realities, unwilling to venture beyond safe borders, fixed parameters, and reasonable guidelines. Those who choose to linger there are often those who get left behind, remaining as is. Unchanged. Unmoved. Underdone according to God’s plan for victory. Instead of allowing their struggles to refine them—shape them and move them—they allow their stagnation to define them—keep them and limit them. When that happens, their hearts aren’t winning. Their hearts are subsisting.

I suppose it’s a good enough existence to live with … die with … move on home to Jesus with, but these days I’m not much concerned about good enough. Subsistence living has lost its flavor. I want to give my heart a good work-out, to push it to beyond its current limits, even though there is certain pain attached to those limitations. I want to walk another 700 miles with my heart exposed to the outdoor elements so that it can be moved and manipulated, stretched and strengthened by Jesus for his kingdom purposes.

Is this a reasonable choice? Not really. When has God ever placed reasonable demands at the feet of his children? Moving ahead with Jesus will be, perhaps, the most unreasonable movement of our lives.

Is it a risky choice? Most definitely. Not because God is not definite, but rather because the world says he is definitely not. And who of us isn’t easily shaped by the world? When we allow the world to dictate our choices, we forfeit movement. We risk stagnation. We live as lesser people.

Movement wins, friends. One step from where you are today—whether one inch outside of the box of your security or one foot beyond the perimeter of the garden you’re so carefully guarding—any small step of faith will be enough to move you forward. Reasonable? No. Risky? Yes. Painful? Probably. But in the end, a guaranteed win with the Father.

I need to move today. Maybe you do as well. Something tells me that the risk will be worth the reward. Someone reminds me as well.

Movement wins.

May God grant you and sustain you with his Peace for the journey as you move forward in his direction.
~elaine

practicing my faith…

Lumps and bumps. I’ve been feeling them for awhile now. One in particular along my scar line. Left side. Hard and pronounced. Enough to warrant my concern. Accordingly, another trip to Cape “Hope” today where the oncologist pronounced me as “fine.”As quickly as he entered the room, he exited. Abrupt is the word that comes to mind … almost as if my being there was unnecessary. Apparently my concerns weren’t concerning enough, or so it seemed.

He moved on, and I held my tears until his departure. And then I wept. It’s that “noticing” thing again. Feeling overlooked and feeling insecure about my body. My emotions. My standing in this life. My place in this world. My “next.” Feeling my pain, my husband took me to the Bordeaux lunch counter, where I doused my woes with egg salad and sweet tea.

Apparently, I’ll live to see another day, and while I should be rejoicing … all I’m feeling is deep sadness. It doesn’t make sense to most of you. I get that. It really doesn’t make much sense to me, this rallying between emotional extremes. I’ve never lived with these edges before—the swing between highs and lows. It doesn’t feel safe to me. Just wildly out of control with no foreseeable end in sight.

It’s hard to manage the peaks and valleys. I’m not doing a very good job of it; probably even a poorer job of explaining it to those I love—those who need to know, who want to know, who have a vested interest in my health and my being able to move forward. Most days, I mask it in an attempt to keep from having to define it. It’s just easier that way. Truth is, most folks seem to prefer it that way. Pain is a hard handling, and all of us seem to have our fair share without taking on the pain of others.

So I contend with it. Take hold of it. Refuse to bury it, and instead allow it room enough and words enough to work its witness in my heart. I may fool others, but I cannot fool myself. I can only walk it through with the tender love and willingness of God who always notices me. Who understands my heart and who knows my every word before one of them lands on my tongue. He tells me to keep doing what I’ve been doing for most of my life.

Practice your faith, Faith Elaine. Practice your faith.

Practice means praying some strong prayers and rehearsing some strong words. God’s words. His promises to me.

“Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD, the people he chose for his inheritance.
From heaven the LORD looks down and sees all mankind;
From his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth—he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do.
No king is saved by the size of his army;
No warrior escapes by his great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
Despite all its great strength it cannot save.

But…

The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
To deliver them from death
And keep them alive in famine.” (Psalm 33:12-19)

God’s eyes on me, noticing me. Not removing me from my season of famine, but instead sustaining me through it. Keeping me alive. Making sure that I am watered and fed by the truth from his heart as I swing from one emotional edge to another. Only God can manage these peaks and valleys of mine, for only God has the vantage point from which to see it all. And while my painful extremes are a hard handling for me, they have become the willing handling of God.

No army will save me. No warrior. No horse. No oncologist. No one person. All vain attempts at hope.

Only God and the Hope that springs forth from Calvary’s tree.

Today, I’m practicing my faith, friends. Praying my faith. Writing my faith. Speaking my faith. It’s all I know to do in this, my lean season. It will be enough to walk me through to peace. Peace for my journey—Jesus Christ, the great stabilizer in the midst of edges.

Thanks for listening.
~elaine

error: Content is protected !!