Lumps and bumps. I’ve been feeling them for awhile now. One in particular along my scar line. Left side. Hard and pronounced. Enough to warrant my concern. Accordingly, another trip to Cape “Hope” today where the oncologist pronounced me as “fine.”As quickly as he entered the room, he exited. Abrupt is the word that comes to mind … almost as if my being there was unnecessary. Apparently my concerns weren’t concerning enough, or so it seemed.
He moved on, and I held my tears until his departure. And then I wept. It’s that “noticing” thing again. Feeling overlooked and feeling insecure about my body. My emotions. My standing in this life. My place in this world. My “next.” Feeling my pain, my husband took me to the Bordeaux lunch counter, where I doused my woes with egg salad and sweet tea.
Apparently, I’ll live to see another day, and while I should be rejoicing … all I’m feeling is deep sadness. It doesn’t make sense to most of you. I get that. It really doesn’t make much sense to me, this rallying between emotional extremes. I’ve never lived with these edges before—the swing between highs and lows. It doesn’t feel safe to me. Just wildly out of control with no foreseeable end in sight.
It’s hard to manage the peaks and valleys. I’m not doing a very good job of it; probably even a poorer job of explaining it to those I love—those who need to know, who want to know, who have a vested interest in my health and my being able to move forward. Most days, I mask it in an attempt to keep from having to define it. It’s just easier that way. Truth is, most folks seem to prefer it that way. Pain is a hard handling, and all of us seem to have our fair share without taking on the pain of others.
So I contend with it. Take hold of it. Refuse to bury it, and instead allow it room enough and words enough to work its witness in my heart. I may fool others, but I cannot fool myself. I can only walk it through with the tender love and willingness of God who always notices me. Who understands my heart and who knows my every word before one of them lands on my tongue. He tells me to keep doing what I’ve been doing for most of my life.
Practice your faith, Faith Elaine. Practice your faith.
Practice means praying some strong prayers and rehearsing some strong words. God’s words. His promises to me.
“Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD, the people he chose for his inheritance.
From heaven the LORD looks down and sees all mankind;
From his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth—he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do.
No king is saved by the size of his army;
No warrior escapes by his great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
Despite all its great strength it cannot save.
But…
The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
To deliver them from death
And keep them alive in famine.” (Psalm 33:12-19)
God’s eyes on me, noticing me. Not removing me from my season of famine, but instead sustaining me through it. Keeping me alive. Making sure that I am watered and fed by the truth from his heart as I swing from one emotional edge to another. Only God can manage these peaks and valleys of mine, for only God has the vantage point from which to see it all. And while my painful extremes are a hard handling for me, they have become the willing handling of God.
No army will save me. No warrior. No horse. No oncologist. No one person. All vain attempts at hope.
Only God and the Hope that springs forth from Calvary’s tree.
Today, I’m practicing my faith, friends. Praying my faith. Writing my faith. Speaking my faith. It’s all I know to do in this, my lean season. It will be enough to walk me through to peace. Peace for my journey—Jesus Christ, the great stabilizer in the midst of edges.
Thanks for listening.
~elaine
Elaine, it sounds like grieving to me.
I'm listening, Elaine. And I believe I'm hearing, too. I KNOW I'm practicing.
Sometimes I recognize in myself an unrealistic, self-determined expectation of how it "ought to be" when I am "successful" in the practice.
I think part of the practice of faith is letting go even of that expectation…
Does that make sense?
Thank God for the Great Stabilizer! The ups and downs of life are impossible to handle without Him! Hang in there! He'll carry you through…
Blessings, Joan
I've learned in the hard trial this past year also how much God loves me and cares about the tiniest details. Like you, I fully realize no human person can understand quite like Him!
You're right, Elaine, practicing your faith will be enough to get you through. As you do that, you're holding on to Him, and He is always enough — even when we feel dangerously close to falling. He won't let us go — He's got us. He's got you, Elaine. Love, prayers, and hugs coming your way!
It makes much sense to me, Elaine.
My story may be different from yours, but I too have felt the feelings you have so beautifully put into words.
I wish that all doctors would see people as human beings not as "cases" or stastistics. And I wish all doctors would realize that more than physical healing, people long for soul healing… and I wish doctors would be willing to stay a minute longer, just caring, not even having to say anything… just conveying a non verbal message that says "I care, I understand" and know that this kind gesture would mean a world of difference to the person in front of him. I wish… I wish…
I hear your words, Elaine, especially those that do not get written down in a blog post.
Keeping you close
Lidj
Elaine,
You are so loved and cherished.
Your faith, encourages me!!!
Yolanda
Thank God that He is always there for us. Thank God that He is the hope that springs forth from Calvary's tree. When we have Him we have everything, even though we sometimes don't feel like it. I'm praying for you as you go through this journey He is taking you on, that He will truly be everything you need.
I do hear you and understand exactly what you are saying. Be encouraged, he is faithfully by our side, knows every tear that we shed, nothing passes his notice. My brain knows this but I frequently find myself where you are, I think we forget, we need each other to help remind us of truth. Will pray
bump fears are real fears…you know what comes after them if they are truly 'bad bumps'…
i'm thankful yours was okay
i'm thankful you let the tears flow…it is healing in its own way
His steadfastness does hold us through all the edges 😉
thank you for your words today, I needed them
Sarah Bowyer's post today is GREAT…http://thebowyers.blogspot.com/2011/08/understanding-vs-trust.html
re: Sarah Young's JESUS CALLING
think you'll enjoy it 😉
…
"My Peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in Peace, which is inherent in My Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious Peace."
the practicing of our faith… where the rubber meets the road! that is the hard part, but that is where God's grace is tapped into mightily!!
Any time we walk a path we have never been before it is just hard. You are still walking that new and unfamiliar path. I'm sorry the doctor did not take time to HEAR your fear and concern. I fear that so often, we in the medical field, allow our knowledge and tasks to become so routine that we do exactly what that doctor did. We fail to be present in the moment with others.
May God remind you that He is present in your moment.
I have to agree with Leah…too often we in the medical field get so lost in what we know that we often miss person right in front of us. So sorry, my friend, this was your experience.
"mask it in an attempt to keep from having to define it." Girl, I have been there and probably more than I wish to say, still there. I am not good with contending. Sadly, truth be told I am not really good at masking either.
However, I am learning that it is in the practice of the faith that perfection comes! Not yet perfect but one day soon, I pray.
In a different place, but feeling so many of the same feelings…and many days just tired of it all….yet knowing, what you put into words…I just need to keep practicing my faith….thank you…as always, you help by sharing your heart.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I am sorry for the experience you had, but thankful you did not receive bad news. Also, selfishly, I must add that you brought back sweet memories of the Bordeaux Lunch Counter for me. I can almost taste the sweet tea and the yummy slaw on a cheeseburger right now. ( I don't care for egg salad.) 🙂 I spent many lunches with my dear Granny there.
My Dear Elaine,
Everything you're feeling is what all of us who've survived cancer feel. Just when we think we've put cancer behind us, "it" jumps out and scares us like a bad dream we can't shake. I'm seven years out from my breast cancer diagnosis, and I still worry about bumps and lumps. We all do. I know that's not consoling, but it is part of the process. It's part and parcel of being a survivor. Unfortunately, your doctors see women who are experiencing the same thing every day. That doesn't excuse the abrupt manner, or that he wasn't more compassionate about your fears, but perhaps it gives you some insight into his daily rounds.
While friends and family are only too happy to move forward with life and leave "our" cancer behind them, it's not that easy or simple for us. Actually, my blog this week is on this subject. You may not want to hear this, but if we live to be 100, we will always find things about our body that causes warning bells to go off. We must listen to them, because we never know if and when there might actually be something of concern.
Like you, I've put my trust in God, knowing He knows what's best for me. It's only been in the last seven months, since James died, that I have truly surrendered to Him. Every day continues to find me surrendered, and its been the most comforting part of my journey without James. I also feel that God expects us to do more than just sit back and wait for Him to show us what to do. He doesn't micromanage our lives. He knows we'll stumble and fall, and He wants us to bring Him our messes.
Bless you, sweet Elaine. You continue to be in my prayers.
Brenda
I don't think your mood swings sound silly at all. I have had mood swings for far more trivial things. I've had that feeling of the doctor abruptly disregarding my health concern. Maybe it is nothing, but if I'm concerned about it, it isn't. For me, I hate to impose on anyone, and the feeling that maybe I "wasted" a doctor's time is what brings me to tears, even though in my heart it is not a waste if it was of concern to me. It is that feeling of unimportance that wounds me. Thank you for so eloquently sharing what God has shown you. My health concerns really were nothing, but even if they had been, God would care about those too.
Oh Elaine I soo understand and get where you are at. I STILL occasionally find myself fretting, wondering, checking, dewelling, on every little thing. Six months after my surgery I had a very similiar trip to my oncologist only to my horror she too seem concerned enough to send me right over for an ultra sound and biopsy. I cried all the way there. And it turned out to be just blood that was STILL draining and shifting and settling..they drained it for me that day, though it came back almost immediately. It is still lumpy and weird in my opinion. I saw my oncologist last week and she examined me and told me I was great. Somehow I have moved on (kind of). It took LOTS of time. I think the Lord has something really special in mind for you that He is teaching you through all of this that you will teach to many. Meanwhile we can both rest KNOWING He has got us safely in His hands. Hugs, Debbie
I have dedicated my latest post to you Elaine. Just wanted you to know.
Love
Lidj
I read this in the wee hours of the morning when you posted this and said a prayer for you. I heart skipped a beat with those first few lines but in reading on my foggyness cleared to understand. Your faith inspires me to keep growing my faith-to actively seek to know Him more and to know Him better.
Keeping walking out that faith with your focus on the eternal dear friend.
Living in His Embrace~Pamela
Amen, amen my dear friend. I totally understand, I am right where you are. You are very wise sweety. God is with us, and will see us both through this lean season. I love you, thank you for your honesty.
With cancer there is always that uncertainty, that little nagging fear, that wondering. Don't ever feel guilty about bringing your fears to your doc. If he pronounces you "well", celebrate!
On the other hand, you are also at an age where hormones will be up and down…it's amazing how much they can affect your mind. You are wise in taking your fears to the Lord. I'm thankful that those menopausal years are well behind me!
Elaine, I have not been where you are..but yet we both know the Comforter, and also know that the Word is full of promises…He hears the prayers of the righteous…He will not leave us nor forsake us….
I thank you for sharing, for letting us "know" in a small way what it's like….I can only imagine.
But I do know…God is able!!
~Beth~
Once again, your insight into the deepest emotions and thoughts so many of us stifle, has blessed and inspired…we all have different journeys, but so many landmarks and rest areas are similar…thank you for your honest expressions that never fail to touch my heart and give me hope!
Lumps and bumps are serious concerns. Let me know if you need me to come down there and straighten out that doctor! Between the two of us, we can take him! 😉
I enjoyed talking with you this evening. Afterward, I thought about how easy our conversation is with one another. I feel a closeness to you that I have never felt with other friends. Bill and I consider you and your Billy to be part of our family. I've got your back, sistah…
Love you dearly…
Hi there. My Mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer 3 days ago and dear Sister Sheri sent me your way. Looking forward to reading your story and you write just beautifully.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story with others.
Elaine,
I wanted to share this great story with you about a benefit from The St. Baldrick’s Foundation which funds more in childhood cancer research grants than any organization except the U.S. government.
http://www.dailyrx.com/feature-article/childhood-cancers-need-more-funding-and-attention-14740.html
St. Baldrick’s signature head-shaving events are the fastest growing, volunteer-driven fundraising opportunity benefiting childhood cancer research. They have another event coming up soon this year. I was wondering if you have ever discussed support of this event with the congregation? Bless you today and thank you for everything you share
Dear Dakotarowin…
Thank you so very much for linking to this wonderful website here. I've already checked it out and find it to be a very useful website for a wide-variety of health issues!
Blessings to you as you continue to fight childhood cancer. It breaks my heart every time I hear of another case.
peace~elaine
wifeforthejourney:
You are right, your blogging friends are a strong source of encouragement to you. For as much as I don't like to admit it, there are some things I just havn't done as well as I should lately. Thanks be to God for these ladies who are willing to stand in the gap for you.
Love to all,
Billy