surviving…

Funny how life seems to be laughing at me sometimes. Trust me when I tell you the hilarity is a one-sided affair. I don’t find anything remotely amusing about the predicament I’m in—a responsibility given to me months ago and one I willingly embraced when called upon. Little did I know back then what would be required of me to follow-through in the “right now.”

This coming Sunday.

Me, the keynote speaker for Cape Fear Valley Hospital’s annual Cancer Survivor Picnic.

And here’s the funny part—the moment where the joke cycles back on me. Where the taunting begins. Where the fullness of my previous “yes” weighs heavily upon my back and filters through my mind like shrapnel released from an exploding cannon.

It doesn’t seem that I’m doing very well with my surviving… cancer or otherwise. Some days are just getting through days; some days just pushing through days. Some days just wondering and wandering through days. And I feel so ill-equipped to say much of anything on the topic of survivorship. Certainly, I’ve had a few ideas over the past several months; I’ve chronicled a great many of them before you. But today, just a few days away from Sunday, words fail me.

And that is a very hard thing for me. Why? Because I don’t want them to be just any words. I want to mean them when I speak them. I don’t want to waste this occasion with my “blah, blah, blah” breast cancer dialogue. I want my words to speak better. To lift higher. To raise a toast to hope, not to the current getting through, pushing through, wandering through I’ve been feeling as of late. More than anything, I want to be a hope-giver, but friends, in these recent days, my heart has been living apart from hope. My heart has been simmering just above survival. And it’s been a confusing, confrontational mess.

I’m not sure what’s to blame. Maybe hormones, or lack therein. Maybe the summer heat. Maybe a full house and no room to think. Maybe an accumulation of a great many things. Regardless of the agitators, the end result doesn’t look much like hopeful survival. Rather, more like a gradual surrender to a deep wounding—to a healing process that is going to take far longer than what I had imagined.

Is survival really survival when so much hurt exists inside? When getting through, pushing through, and wandering through is the best you can do? Is that survival? Is that enough to move a day’s doing into the win column? Shouldn’t survival be based on more? Shouldn’t the qualifiers read better? Part of me thinks so; the other part of me, perhaps a lesser part, is willing to cut me some slack.

I’m having a hard time deciding about my days, friends, and I’m having a really hard time reasoning out the hospital’s choice for a speaker this year. I want to rise above the current confusion to deliver a strong confirmation about the hope that I profess to believe. I want this coming Sunday to count for heaven’s sake, not mine. Otherwise, what is the point? Really, what is the point?

Platforms are meant for Jesus; not me. Still and yet, there’s one awaiting my presence this weekend. A grace so undeserved, especially for one who’s just getting through, pushing through, and wandering through these days… wondering if my wrestling brings enough credibility to the discussion of true survivorship.

I know what most of you will say, my kind readers, and I appreciate your affirmation in advance. But I don’t want to just receive your words; I want to firmly believe them. I’ve come to depend on them, for we are the body of Christ. We are pilgrims together on this road of faith, walking side by side and held together by our strong foundation, Jesus Christ. You will be standing with me this Sunday when I step before the microphone and speak my story. You are part of my story, and even when words have failed me, you have not. You share in my survivorship, and I will carry your strength with me throughout this week.

Thank you for not laughing at me when I cry; thank you for not crying when I so desperately need to laugh. But mostly, thank you for giving me a safe place to release my feelings. I’m in a vulnerable position right now, a raw and uprooted place, but I’m still here… getting through, pushing through, wondering and wandering though.

Perhaps in the end, maybe enough of a definition of true survivorship.

Peace for the journey,
~elaine
PS: Winners for the notecards will be picked with my next post. There’s still time to join in; see previous post “PS:” for details.

44 Responses to surviving…

  1. Oh Elaine, I know the words are failing you at this moment because God wants to remind you that He will provide exactly what you need at the moment it is needed! He speaks through you continually…of course you don't doubt that He will speak through you again on Sunday…sweet sister…you are a survivor for a purpose.
    My friend Gail sent me another note about how your previous post with all the suggestions for getting through treatment has helped her once again…her note: ("I can't thank you enough for the website you sent me. There is so much great information and caring available there. I started eating with plastic silverware to get that metallic taste out of my mouth. It helps so much! So I'm back to work today feeling better.")
    This is just one example Elaine, but I just wanted you to know how much you are helping! Bless you sooooo much!!!

  2. I don't read all your posts…I have a great friend who has breast cancer so I stop in from time to time to help with perspective. I will be praying for you…lifting you and your heart up to our Heavenly Daddy. You have the true Hope and just you and that Holy Spirit shining clearly through you will be enough. I don't know how people walk through life without Him but I know that there will be people there that are trying to. I will pray that their heart will resonate with yours… Blessings to you!

  3. I guess I meant that I don't read all your posts…meaning that you will have no idea who I am… but that I catch bits and pieces of your heart from time to time. 🙂 xoxo

  4. to survive: continue to live or exist, especially in spite of…

    Darling, you are continuing to live in spite of… And so, you are a survivor. Your words are real. And most would not be able to write their pain. To be open with their feelings so that others could relate. Your vulnerability draws others to you. To your words. You are authentic. You are real. Others can relate with you because you share.

    You have educated me so that I can reach out to one of our pastor's wives who recently had a double mastectomy and is only 10 days into this journey.

    Sweet one, you may not think that you have the words. And that may be true today. But when you need them the Lord will give them. And it may not be the words at all… it may be that you are obedient to speak the words. And in speaking the words you spread God's comfort. And in speaking the words the Lord brings you comfort.

    I love you. And I am praying for you. Call me anytime…

  5. And I think you have just described a survivor. No one ever said you were going to FEEL up or perky or even decent during every leg of this journey, and when you get up to speak, your heart will spill over into your words. Just as you share with us here, so you will share with them, and I already sense that is will be good. Prayers will be lifted from Texas on Sunday…

    Your honesty and your struggles as well as the hope that is in you even when you don't FEEL so strong is what is going to mean so much to those who listen on Sunday. There isn't a doubt in my mind that you will have the words that God intends… and btw, it's the very sharing of your struggles in this time that has been an encouragement to my heart. 🙂

    xo

  6. Dear Elaine
    Thank you for your very honest post (one of the many reasons I enjoy reading your blog – no fluff here!). I can't help but think that's why you are the PERFECT woman to share. You have a gift of communicating with power, grace, honesty, and TRUTH – and I'm confident He is going to use you in significant, lifechanging ways! May the Lord infuse you this week with Strength, joy, clarity, hope, and a fresh measure of His perfect peace! I will be praying for you each and every day!
    PLEASE keep us posted!
    Love to you
    Cindy 🙂

  7. Oh friend, my heart goes out to you right now. However, you could probably share what you just shared with us and be a blessing to so many. I know, for you have always blessed me with your honesty and your tender faith. Just share your heart, God will do the rest.
    In a way we are all just "surviving" in this adventure called life. A life full of many ups and downs, twists and turns. We never know what tomorrow will hold. I am so thankful for the one who does know. A Father of grace, a giver of strength and voice of hope when we need one. You are in my prayers.

  8. Elaine,

    Words may fail you, but they don't fail Jesus. I feel a bit of what you are feeling every time I stand to speak. I think that is exactly where He desires for us to be….totally and completely dependant on HIM for our words. Praying that He speaks through you and you are WOWed by what He says.

  9. You are not alone in your getting through, pushing through, wondering and wandering through. There are women with lesser than to survive that seize what you write and receive a new lease. Elaine, my friend, you are a chosen and choice vessel.Keep to it and you are. I love you and our JESUS I read in you.
    I'll be directing The White Stone readers your way again today.
    With my love and appreciation, Kathie

  10. Oh sweet friend…to me your are so much more than survivor. You are more than alive, you are living. You are more than existing, you are embracing. A survivor outlives an attack. Elaine, your life personifies the promise that no weapon formed against us will prosper. You my dear friend have walked your faith, yes, even on the pushing through, getting through, wandering and wondering through days. We have seen both firm and fragile faith, but never for one moment forgotten faith. You have held to the Lord and He has held to you. You have been so honest and real with each step of this journey. Many days your vulnerability was almost more than I could bear to read…I hated that cancer had been given permission to touch your life…not with just a love tap, but with such a forceful hold. Yet, Elaine, through even the worst days, I saw Him. I saw Him in your tears. I saw Him through your questions. I saw Him through your pain. I saw Him sustaining. I saw Him holding you and refusing to let go. Yes there were days that found you sitting among the ruins, but there you were…not alone, but being held by the One who not only survived death, but conquered it. You my friend, are more than conqueror in Christ Jesus.

    This weekend others again will be given the opportunity to see Jesus. They will see the ultimate Survivor. Some may meet Him for the very first time. This isn't as much a survivor story as a salvation story, as the Lord uses your testimony to breath faith, hope and life into others who are getting through, pushing through, wandering and wondering through. Many will identify with your health challenge and God will use that to bring heart change.

    Praying for you my precious friend. You were chosen years ago for this oportunity and God has placed you here for such a time as this. Just be you my friend…Jesus always shines through and the view is breathtaking.

    Hugs and love always,
    Joy

  11. Oh Elaine,
    how my heart sings at the encouragement in these comments! How I pray that your spirit is bolstered and fortified.
    You will be used mightily on Sunday by the One who desires to reach many. You HAVE survived by holding tightly to our Victorious Savior!
    May the faith you share help others to hold on tight.
    Forever Blessings and ((HUGS)) ~
    Jess

  12. Oh Elaine I soo know how you are feeling. In fact, when I saw the title of your post I just knew I'd again read of someone whose been there and get's it. I wonder the same thing soo often. Let me just tell you as a fellow survivor just how much your words have ministered to me. Your example of how to get through it all with a dependency on Him is soo loud and clear, and has encouraged me so much more than you could ever realize. Often through them I felt the Lord was talking directly to my heart. We don't always have to have it all together to minister to others. I remember your videos too soo well. And what a gifted speaker you are. I was soo touched by everyone of them. I just KNOW the Holy Spirit will give you the words and touch your spirit so that you might tell all these sweet women of the power you received from Him. It was exactly a year ago today that I was preparing for surgery and going through soo much and you know honestly what I remember most? The Lords peace which somehow had wrapped it's mighty arms around me and kept me calm when the world around me seemed anything but. I will always be soo grateful for that. I will always remember He WAS there when I needed Him most. His power really can lift me out of my circumstances. I will pray all goes well this Sunday (though I know it will) and that the Lord uses you once again to touch the hearts of soo many. Love to you today, Debbie

  13. What is Jesus telling you in your quiet time? Maybe this is a time for 'reverse paraphrase' and sharing the 'humanness' and relying on His Godliness
    Short, sweet, truth: let your yes be yes and your no be no.
    🙂
    (My 12th year past colon cancer: July 2)

  14. Very good and I know how you must feel, my best friend had breast cancer, and she is cancer free now, it is a daily struggle, but with the help of our father's hand touching and directing we can all make the struggle seem easier, God bless you and I am praying for you.

  15. Elaine, I want you to know how much He loves you even when you don't understand the details of this life…so much about mine are questions unanswered too. But, He is Who He says He is, and I have to believe Him. I'm starting back into fertility treatments again this summer…Scripture-when all else fails you and you don't know what to say, scriptures don't return void. I love you much Elaine, my Sister-in-Christ. I'm praying for you.

  16. Elaine,
    Surviving is a duel-headed monster. A ying and a yang. With such ease, one head of the monster seems to deliberately shove us underwater and hold us there until we're about to drown. Just as quickly the other head effortlessly takes control and lets us see the light of a new day and the promise of many joy filled days to come.

    The homeless people we see on the streets… Believe it or not, they're survivors. Regardless of whether they have underlying drug and alcohol problems or have lost everything because of the economy, they are surviving. Sometimes surviving is just putting one foot in front of the other one–so cliche, but so true. I'm speaking from current experience, and you know that.

    Since James died after Christmas, I've wondered how do I blog about Survivorship when I'm desperately calling for an appointment with a counselor? Shouldn't I be in a healthier place before I "dispense advice?" I've learned that no matter where we are in our lives, we're all surviving something. If you talk about that on your platform, you are speaking the truth. Some days we're the bug. Some days we're the windshield. Your audience isn't looking for "and she lived happily ever after." They want authenticity, someone they can identify with, and you my dear are that woman.

    You are loved by God. He is using you, and He will help you find the words. You may not know this, but you are in my prayers every day.

    Love,
    Brenda

  17. I love an enthusiastic, hope filled message just like most, but what I really need right now is someone to speak into my life about the middle place. You know, where you accept the assignment from God but haven't seen the victory yet. I know it's coming but I really need someone to feel it with me. It hurts. It's frustrating. It is so long! Think of those like me, in the middle, who need some fellowship as we face each day together.

    Still praying for you. Love you,
    Mary

  18. Praying sweetheart. No other words – but I believe you know my heart. Will absolutely be praying.

  19. Elaine ~

    I am so moved by your post and by these precious, gentle comments. What a journey, and one I can't even imagine.

    I especially loved Sister Sheri's and Joyful's comments. They said exactly what I want to say to you. Being a survivor is simply one who is still alive. The word doesn't have to mean over. You are, indeed, the chosen one for this talk.

    I loved your phrase "raise a toast to hope". It seems to me this phrase has the makings of a wonderful talk. It doesn't say it's over; it doesn't say it was easy; it doesn't say you feel strong all the time; it doesn't say you have all the answers.

    But it does say Hope is the best, and sometimes only, healer; it does say Hope is always available even though everyone's cancer journey is different; it does say to keep raising the glass.

    One of my favorite verses as a speaker:

    "When your words came, they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O Lord Almighty."

    Jeremiah 15:16

    God will meet you there, Elaine. Our prayers are surrounding you.

    love,

    Candy

  20. Look at all your responses. Sisterhood to the rescue, huh?

    Might I suggest that you are living hope, because when you don't feel it, you push through anyway? When treatment ends and life's intensity levels return to something lower than "waiting to exhale," well, it feels a bit underwhelmming, uninspiring, unremarkable. Is it possible that this is really ok. Is it possible that you are not supposed to have all the inspiring answers from a totally put back together life? They call it surviving for a reason.

    Perhaps they might just be inspired by someone who once was where they are, and made it through enough days to be further down the path than they are. All this is both courageous and encouraging, sister.

    Can't wait to hear how mightily God uses you in your weakness.

    Love and prayers.

  21. wifeforthejourney:

    There is nothing that has been easy about this part of your journey, and no short cuts either. We know each other, good and bad, best and worst – but every day we get to keep you on this side of eternity is a day to celebrate. My prayer for you today is that you will find one of the sincere offerings of your readers to be more than words to your heart.

    May we continue to share in God's grace with each passing day.

    Love you!

    Billy

  22. Dear Elaine, what came to my mind as I read your struggle is of course you cannot talk about what you have not experienced…you are an authentic person who only desires to speak the truth as you know the truth. And THAT my friend I believe is what you should speak about. Your journey "so far". It's not finished, it's not even all that far down the road is it? I'm remembering all those treatments, how God opened all those doors for you to bless and be blessed; all the precious saints, known and unknown, who have lifted you before the Father; all those encounters you had with folks showing kindness, etc. etc. Your ups and your downs in your family life. And then they see YOU as YOU are today…not some piece of perfection that they know they can never attain to, but a REAL survivor who has come through the darkest of days and nights, and who is still putting one foot in front of the other, marching to Zion! Tell them who you go running to when you fall down, and how deep inside that armour, the warrior is a child of a King. I will be praying for you! It also occurs to me that there have been times I have had no words…and later found it was because God Himself wanted to give me HIS words. The Lord be with you, give you courage and strength to face this Sunday, and grant you HIS perfect peace! Love you friend!

  23. I don't have much to say. You know our story…a son who did not "survive" cancer in this life. Nevertheless, I offer this. Sometimes I think surviving is a matter of continuing to "show up and do life."
    That's what I try to do as I survive losing a young son who did not "survive."
    I'll pray for you as you prepare. I promise.

  24. So many thoughts come to mind that I hardly know where to begin. First, I think the hospital picked a PERFECT speaker. God knows you go humbly, and He has something powerful to convey through you – – His willing (most of the time), and humble vessel!

    The other thought I had was about how hard is the midlife transition, with or without a cancer (or any other threatening) battle. As I navigated my own, it was when hubby decided to have a "midlife walk-about". Many days I despaired of living; and many other days I could see no horizon. Thank God He hadn't completed that chapter …

    You are so, so precious!

    Kathleen

  25. Yes, Elaine, I think surviving is sometimes just exactly what you've described. You've been through so much the past year or so. It takes time to deal with everything.

    Your honest sharing here is real stuff, real life. I think honest sharing at the event will be much appreciated and very welcome, too. May God strengthen you for the task and put the words in your mouth. And may He see you through this present struggle as well. Love you!

  26. Elaine, you said: "Platforms are meant for Jesus; not me." Focus on this. Allow the Holy Spirit to work it out through you. It's easy for our human nature to take control. But, it's now about "me". It's about Yeshua, the Messiah. Is it not?!?! I love you sister! Hugz!

  27. I believe all you must do is let go and let God. He will be there in every word and breath. He will bring to you the words he wants you to say. You are an awesome speaker and a Godly woman, and he will use you to reach those who need to be reached. The "ancients" and I will be praying for you. You are a blessing to us all! Love you!
    Karen

  28. Elaine, I'm not good at words like you are but just want to say that you are the REAL DEAL and that's all that people really care about. They really don't want to hear how great it can be on the other side of cancer….they just want to know how you get from one day to the next. And you have the perfect answer for them. To know HIM. And He never promised us a life of sunshine and roses. But He DID promise to walk with us through the dust and the thorns. He IS HERE. That's what I'd tell them dear Elaine. He's with you and He will be with them.

    Love you so very much my friend!

    Marilyn

  29. Elaine I know I'll get the quote wrong but you'll know what I mean, "I believe, Lord forgive my unbelief." God honors the fact that you want to have hope, that you want to have courage, that you want to be His voice. It sounds like to me that you are the perfect choice for this speech because you aren't pretending to be something you aren't. You're being real, and real is what people want to hear. I'll be praying for your focus. blessings, marlene

  30. Could it be what you have just written is an integral part of your "survivor speech"?

    Don't say what you think you SHOULD (in the sense of what you think the organizers want to hear) as much as what is honest.

    Your struggle IS uniquely yours – but maybe not at all uncommon. You SIMPLY must share from your "heart" which is held securely by Jesus….

  31. Surviving… that is what life is all about.

    I have no doubt the words you speak on Sunday will be beautiful.

    This world is not our home, that is the point. It is a journey toward home.

    The learning, the unlearning, the letting go, and moving on… the struggling, the grappling with heart issues… the ugly and harsh realities… the clutter… the pain… the tears…

    And yet, surviving in the midst of it all…

    I'm with you in this journey, dear Elaine.

    May your honest words, seasoned with grace and hope, bring a deep impact to the lives of those who hear…

    Love
    Lidj

  32. Sweet friend, you are always so close in my thoughts. These words you give here are so real…I am wondering if you are not the only survivor who feels this way? There is wisdom in admitting there is not an easy answer, an easy way. Maybe this is the message you are meant to share. I don't know, Faith Elaine. But you are one of the strongest, grace-filled ladies I know. If you feel this way, then others surely have. You have already blessed so many by sharing this journey. I know God will give you the words.

    Love you, lady.

  33. Amen! to all the previous comments. I really can't add much, but what I do know, is that when we're going through a difficult time, the last thing we want to hear is a speaker who is all bubbles and fluff! What we need is for someone to share in our trials, to understand what we're going through, and to agree that yes, it's a daily struggle, (and in my son's words…It sucks!) but with the Lord we DO have hope that a better day is coming. And that, Elaine, is what I get every time I visit with you.
    Praying for you!

  34. You know Elaine, that when you walk to the microphone on Sunday that the words you speak will be HIS. Your heart so desires for Him to be shared, seen and glorified that It. Will. Be. Done.
    The openness and realness of your journey into survivorship is what draws people to you, to Him!!
    There is nothing fake about your walk and that is what other's want to hear, it's hard, it's tough, it' painful, BUT GOD, walks with us as we get through, push through and wander through the days!
    Love to you and will be praying for you!! Cindy

  35. I agree with the others…it is no accident that you were chosen to be the speaker for the Cancer Survivor Picnic!

    I'm thinking that those other survivors are going through the same type of emotions as you, friend. They are probably wondering and wandering through their days, as well. Perhaps they need the reassurance that they are not alone, and getting through, pushing through, and wandering through those days means that you continue to put one foot in front of the other, trusting God to direct every steps.

    I love you…will try to call you this afternoon.

  36. Remaining in prayer for you Elaine.

    May God's words and love for you penetrate your soul and speak through you this Sunday. May His strength, peace and comfort wash over you in every way needed.

    Blessings and peace!
    Lisa

  37. Oh my sweet and dear Elaine,
    I am sure our sweet Jesus has chosen you for this very moment in this very season for a reason. Maybe a reason you can't see right now, but He has a purpose.
    You may not have the words right now but God will give them to you when the moment you need them arrives. He is wrapping you in His love and telling you are a survivor. You have walked through fire and came out with a beauty only He could give. Rest in His peace and know you are chosen by Him and more than anything you are loved by Him.

    I will be praying for you dear one.

  38. Oh sweet Elaine, just be you…you know, the Jesus girl that opens her mouth to allow Him to speak. Speak these words you have just written. Remember, they too are walking your journey and they just need that affirmation that you are seeking…that these up's and down's are normal and so are they. what a honor for you with this ocassion. I will be praying faithfully for you in these days leading to this event.

    Your beautiful and Jesus will shine through this event for you. He will do an awesome job!!

    Believing Him~Pamela

  39. It sounds like the enemy is trying to shake your confidence…Don't let him. Instead, remember that this is not really your story…it is Christ's story. It is the story of His healing touch in and through your life. It is the story of what He has done and is still doing. You said you wanted your talk on Sunday to matter for Heaven's sake and not your own. It will when you surrender your words to Him. Allow Him to guide you. I know…I know…that's easier said than done. But, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!! I will be praying for you as you step forward to encourage others who are needing the encouragement of a survivor…and that IS what you are. You are a survivor through Christ.

  40. Elaine, I agree with all these other voices…you are the "right" person for this task. God has gifted you with words both written and spoken. Words not meant to be bottled within but poured out.

    I wonder if in the enduring is the surviving, my friend. Some days good – some days not and too many days somewhere in between but in all of it and through all of it He remains faithful.

    You said it well…"Platforms are for Jesus" – and I am confident you will share this one with Him.

    Love and prayers for you and with you!
    Denise

  41. Oh Elaine, your words have much truth to them and so many others feel exactly what you are. Many survivors wrestle with various emotions and your being real and true WILL indeed encourage them. Through this entire journey you have never taken your eyes off of Jesus and that my friend, needs no words. People see that in you, gravitate toward that, and want the hope that you have…He will speak through you this Sunday. He will give you the words that each person needs, including you.

    Praying for you sweet friend.

    Much Love.

  42. Sweet Elaine,
    I will be praying for you as you boldly speak about God's tremendous and beautiful grace. He will meet you powerfully in Now/here. 🙂
    Blessings to you,
    Susan

  43. Elaine,

    It seems to me that we are never more empty than when we are asked to speak a message of hope. It just seems that the enemy loves to let us seep and ooze away any *good* thing to say.

    It occurs to me that that is when God has a chance to have His say. I recently was asked to speak about my testimony – how God brought me back from some prodigal years. I stalled, I made excuses, I panicked, I ignored – it wasn't until two weeks before I was to speak that I finally sat down to write. The words didn't flow – each one felt like it was being wrenched out of me. When it was all done, with only a week to go until I actually appeared, the talk got postponed until the Fall.

    I felt disappointed and angry. Lord, why did You have me work so hard for nothing? And of course, I slowly began to realize that God had wanted to say something to ME in the writing.

    I just know that God will *show up* for you, too. I can't wait to hear what He did on this day.

    And for the record, I happen to think that strugglers and stragglers are survivors of the best sort…

    GOD BLESS, Elaine…always.

  44. Thank you for allowing us to soak in the beauty that is you sister, love you.

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