The Pain of a Shut Door

The Pain of a Shut Door

“He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read.” (Luke 4:16).


Her wail was undeniable. The piercing scream reverberated from the second floor, and I knew that my baby girl was in pain. My mother’s instinct also revealed the probable culprit behind her pain. Her brother.

Quickly, they made their way downstairs to offer their explanations. She howled inaudible utterances, while he echoed his apologies…fearing the worst. She was quick to offer up proof of his misdeeds—a tender, red, right-handed thumbnail, which apparently landed itself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The crease of the bathroom doorway.

She wanted in. Her brother wanted her out, and in the brevity of a single moment, Amelia felt the wounding of her brother’s intentional exclusion. She experienced the pain of a shut door.

He didn’t mean to hurt her, but he didn’t deny his culpability in the matter. He meant to shut the door. He simply did not calculate that his means of exclusion would cause a wounding at a deeper level. And therein lies my contemplation.

The pain of a shut door. The taste of exclusion served up on home turf…a place where security and safety should abound. Where doors should remain open and acceptance greets with arms spread wide. A place, unfortunately, that often hosts doors that swing hard and close tightly.

Jesus knew about such exclusions. And unlike my son, those that wanted him “out”, swung with intentional and calculated motives.

Jesus had returned to his familiar. To the place of his nurturing. Nazareth was his home, and the synagogue was his custom. He came to reveal the truth of his identity. To fulfill the prophetic renderings of Isaiah’s sixty-first chapter. To preach, to proclaim, to restore, and to release. To announce to those who knew him best, that indeed, the year of the Lord’s favor had come.

It was a truth they were unwilling to receive. Their eyes were as blind. Their ears were as deaf. Their minds were as dull, and their hearts were as hardened.

“All the people in the synagogue were furious when the heard this. They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which they town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff. But he walked through the crowd and went on his way.” (Luke 4:28-30).

They shut the door on their native son. They closed off the possibility of him being God’s Son. And in the end, Jesus’ wail was undeniable, as his tears wept a painful rejection. It was a rejection felt at the deepest crease of a sacred surrender which landed him in the right place at exactly the right time. They offered no apologies for their intentions. Instead, they offered him nails for his tender flesh, and the misdeeds of their heart wounded red for all the world to witness.

The pain of a shut door.

Indeed, Jesus is familiar with all of our griefs and sufferings. With all of the “shut doors” that slam hard and wound deeply. Some swing with intention. Some swing with little thought. Some swing on home turf, and some swing on the soil of an unfamiliar earth. Regardless of their hinge, they swing, and with their exclusion comes pain.

Jadon did not mean to hurt his sister. Not really. But he knew that by shutting the door, he would maintain control of his surroundings. And when control becomes an issue, almost invariably there is a wounding of another who is caught within its crease.

I have stood on both sides of a shut door. Receiving its pain. Initiating its pain. Either way, there is no kingdom profit from its closure because a shut door equals exclusion. Shut doors separate. Shut doors isolate. Shut doors eliminate the possibility of relationships that were meant for our shaping…for our deepening…for our understanding of what it means to walk and to live in sacred community.

God has determined for us to live our lives as open. As instruments of his intention and his invitation. His door swings wide and was never designed for exclusion, but rather for the inclusion of all peoples…all races…all humanity for all eternity. We are given the privilege of monitoring its swing. We stand as its hinge to make sure that no one is caught in the painful crease of its closure.

When my daughter brought her wounding to my attention, I did what all good mothers do. I offered her a band-aid. She declined and told me that her “blankie” would suffice as her comfort. It did, and today her tears run dry. Her wounding from her brother’s “shut door” is well on its way to healing.

Oh, that all of us could recover so quickly from the pain of a shut door. Band-aids alone are not sufficient. It requires a deeper work. A greater salve. A warmer blanket that covers the entirety of our wound and speaks peace into our suffering.

It requires Jesus. He is our Peace, and through him we come to know healing as healing was meant to be known. Safely, securely, and with an open acceptance on his home turf that greets our pain with arms wide open. And so this day, I pray…

Cover me, Lord, with the healing blanket of your love. Heal the open wounds that have come to me through shut doors. Heal the wounds of others that have come to them through my culpability. Keep my hands to inclusion…never exclusion. And when I am tempted to shut a door on my brother or sister, remind me of the “exclusion” that you embraced so that a door would be opened for all of us to come and walk in salvation’s freedom. Amen.


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19 Years of Nick

19 Years of Nick

 

A First Born…Nicholas Evan

 

Not to be outdone by his mother, my son decided to make his entrance into the world on the heels of my birthday. Nineteen years ago, I experienced…

Life interrupted!

And I have spent the better part of two decades trying to unravel this mystery named Nick. So in the vein of yesterday’s celebration of my 42 years, I want to dedicate this post to my eldest son and to some of the lesser known 19 wonderful legacies that he has scripted and is scripting onto the pages of humanity.

1. Nicholas (meaning “victorious people”) and Evan (meaning “young warrior”). His is a strong name…well fitting for this first born whose strong will was evident from day one.

2. Nicholas is a young man after God’s own heart. Nick accepted Christ when he was six years old and has been walking as his Father’s child ever since.

3. Nicholas has dreams of sitting behind the desk at the ESPN studio. By age three, Nick had mastered the television remote and would crawl downstairs before the rest of the world was awake to get his morning fix of sports’ statistics. (I’m not kidding!).

4. Like his mother, Nicholas bleeds Kentucky Wildcat blue. The lines are strongly divided in our house over the matter. Go UK! Boo Tarheels!

5. Nick is a big brother to three others. Big can sometimes mean annoying, but most days it means…loving, fun, playful, and protective. Colton, Jadon, and Amelia all have strong connections with their brother.

6. Nick is considerate…he holds doors, he says “thank-you” and “yes ma’am”, and he buys flowers for his mother.

7. Nick is conservative in life, but liberal in his expression.

8. Nick is quiet on the outside, deep on the inside.

 

9. Nick has made straight A’s his entire life, rarely cracking a book to do so!

 

10. Nick is singularly focused, but does so through a wide-angle lens.

 

11. Nick has a serious mind, tempered by a wild and wicked sense of humor.

 

12. Nick is handsome and filled with charm that oozes through his dimples. Watch out girls…

 

13. Nick has a business-like approach to life without denying the mysterious.

14. Nick possesses courage, tempered by his convictions.

15. Nick is loyal—a good friend to many…a best friend to a few.

16. Nick has the golden touch. He excels at life.

17. Nick is honest, with a conscience to match.

18. Nick loves his “paps” (i.e. my dad) and his “paps” loves him right back.

19. Did I mention that Nick is strong-willed? Yes…I think I did. He befits his name, and for every ounce of heartache that came to me because of that “will”…it has now produced a man who has consigned his “will” to the will of his Creator. Just as strong as it ever was, sanctified now toward all things sacred.

And one to grow on…

One of Nick’s recent favorite songs is a tune by Charlie Hall entitled “Marvelous Light”. Nick’s been running toward that “light” for 19 years. It’s been my joy and privilege as his mother to run alongside. So Nick…this one’s for you dear one. You are my heart! ~mom

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42 years of my journey

42 years of my journey

April 10th…It’s my birthday, and I’ll indulge if I want to…

42 little known facts about me on my birthday…as seen through the eyes of those who know me best and love me the most.

from mom & dad…

1. Elaine was born April 10, Easter Day. And from that day on, she has exemplified a ‘resurrected life.’

2. When she came home from the hospital, her year-old sister threw a ball into her crib and it bounced off her head. That was an omen of things to come with those two girls.

3. Her first nickname was “Chuckina”, given by Linda Aaron, her kindergarten teacher because she acted like her father, Charles.

4. All her teachers loved to have her in class. They said it was her personality, her generosity, and her passion for even the smallest of things.

5. As a youth, she went to the Wilmore Camp. I had to take two truck loads of furniture and supplies for her needs. It was at camp that she had the first of several conversions.

6. Elaine took piano lessons and it paid off. I still have her Thompson books, and now I am starting to play, beginning with Book I. The first lesson is dated January – 1974. Elaine was 8. Kind of neat…dad playing the same music.

7. The nightly ritual was tucking her in bed, saying our prayers out loud, leaving the night light on, and leaving the door ajar. All of these had to be done in order; it not, they had to be done over.

8. She was always getting into trouble, especially in Band, with her friend Gayle. They drove their director crazy. They both played the sax, each altering between seat 1 and 2, by their devious design.

9. In children’s choir, she gave the impression that she was the director—making sure everyone was lined up properly, much to the chagrin of her parents and the choir director.

10. Her ‘CBS productions’ and her neighborhood dramas, were a sight to behold. Invitations were hand-delivered to the neighbors and props were gathered and set up in the yard or den. Of course, Elaine was the director.

11. She loved the tape recorder and was reluctant to relinquish it.

12. She loved to make up her own dances and entertain us with her singing, dancing and imitations of performers. Her rendition of “Elvira” with a broom as her mike is priceless.

13. One day she came into the house, crying, telling me that the neighbor girls made fun of her, wouldn’t play with her, and that they were mean. I told her to go out there and love them. She said, “Okay.” In about two minutes she was back, crying again and telling me, “Daddy, it won’t work.”

14. Elaine usually had ‘bad hair’ days because she had problem hair. Cowlicks and crowns all over her head. We tried everything, but for years her hair was short and manageable only when given a dose of “Dippity Doo”.

15. One day, in a restaurant, the waitress looked at me and asked, “What does he want to eat?” She’s never quite recovered from her mistaken identity as a boy.

16. As a toddler, Elaine was docile. During morning worship, she slept soundly in a room adjoining the platform and choir loft while anthems soared and her dad preached.

17. She was slow to walk–we finally resorted to a walker when she was 15 months old, and she mastered the fine art in no time. Hard to imagine, when she hasn’t been still since and runs for exercise almost daily.

18. She had a high need for stories to have a happy ending. If the story line did not wrap up all the loose ends, she persisted with the question, “Well, what do you think happened?” until we gave her a probable “rest of the story.” Her need for order and predictability have been both bane and blessing to her, I am sure.

19. As a child she was compassionate to the point of pain when life was unfair to others or they were suffering from illness or heartache. She still practically wears a sign that says, “Tell me your troubles and I’ll cry with you!”

20. At about 6 years old, she packed her suitcase and went to Jennifer’s for a sleepover, but within two hours was brought home in her jammies, unable to handle the trauma of homesickness.

21. She has always been able to strike up a conversation with most anyone, from folks standing in a checkout line to passengers on a plane, to servers in a restaurant—having a natural interest and curiosity which, in her childhood, was often a source of embarrassment to her more reserved family members.

Still awake?

from my kids…

22. Mom likes to sing and dance to Christian music while she’s driving. (N)

23. Mom is passionate. (N)

24. My mom is the only one I know who buys Christmas presents for herself and leaves them wrapped under the tree as a surprise. Like we don’t know where they came from! (C)

25. My mom leaves a broom by her bed so she can hit the ceiling when my brother and me get too loud. She used to climb on the bed and pound. I guess this is easier. (C)

26. My mom…hmmm…she’s perfectly fine for me. (J)

27. My mom likes to watch “Deal or No Deal” with me. (J)

28. My mom is the Queen. I am the princess. (A)

29. My mom loves to hug me. (A)

from my husband…

30. When out to eat, Elaine will use almost anything as a toothpick if no real ones are available.

31. Elaine is cold natured…blanket, socks, and bed slippers year round.

32. Elaine sleeps in a “nest” of five different pillows that she assembles every night.

33. Elaine has a “Beth Moore” closet where she houses her Bible study materials.

34. Elaine has composed several songs for our children, the best being the “Little Green Frog” song.

35. The first story Elaine ever read to me was her “Shed Heart” story.

and finally from me…

36. Baths over showers.

37. Diet Coke over coffee.

38. Chocolate over just about anything.

39. Fall & Winter over Spring & Summer.

40. Writing over reading & talking & watching.

41. People over possessions.

42. God over everything!

And one to grow on…

I have a favorite song that puts voice to the earnest and most sincere plea of my heart on this, my 42nd birthday. A prayer to the Creator and the Sustainer of my life.
Thanks for indulging me!
~elaine
Carrying Our Pretty With Us

Carrying Our Pretty With Us

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us. … We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-10).


He slipped back in the house yesterday morning to show me something. His forgetfulness.

Carelessly and without thought, he picked up his “pretty case” instead of his briefcase as he headed out the door for work. We had a good laugh, and then I had him re-enact his folly for my camera. Some pictures are worth the ink. This was one of them, and it got me to thinking.

Thinking about his caddy full of pretty…

Shaving cream. Razors. Mouthwash. Toothpaste. Lotion. Comb. Floss. Deodorant. Matrix Biolage hair gel. Yes, even my husband carries some “product” for his pretty.

Thinking about what he left behind—the one thing that normally accompanies him to the church office…

His Bible.

Somehow in his process of readying himself for the day, he reached for the ordinary to the exclusion of the extraordinary, and quite frankly, he felt exposed. Naked. Something not quite right as he stood at the edge of new day to embark upon the calling that has claimed his life.

A calling that values “heart product” over “pretty product.”

And a heart can never be prettied by creams and combs. It requires a deeper work…a stronger “product.” The cleansing work of the cross.

As believers in Jesus Christ, we have been given a rare privilege. We have been designated as the dwelling place of our Father. How precious is this Treasure. How fragile its frame. God designed us to be exactly so…as dusty earthen vessels, the contents of which contain more pretty than the world can fully absorb at first glance.

He is what makes us pretty. Not our outward attempts at fortifying the frame. He applauds and even celebrates our efforts at presentation, but when the day is over and the “pretty” has run its course, he ponders the condition of the heart that remains. The heart that contains his heart. The heart that will follow us into our tomorrow and into the day after that and into all of our days yet to come.

After awhile, our pretty wears thin and no amount of “product” can cover up the heart that lies beneath. We can try to conceal its pulse, but eventually our fragile clay begins to crumble to reveal the contents within. What pours forth…Who pours forth…is revealed by the light, and we stand as naked. Before God and before man. Exposed.

An untouched photograph that discloses our truth.

And the truth that God values more than our outward “pretty” is the inward product called grace. It is the one boasting allowed our mirrors. The one treasure allowed our fragile frames. The one Gospel allowed our lips. It is the only “heart product” that never wears thin and keeps its beauty long after the lights have dimmed and the world has gone home to find its rest.

Jesus is our “pretty” and Calvary’s accomplishing work is our calling. We are given the privilege of hosting its grace…every day. Within our clay parameters that were not meant for the applause of man, but, instead, meant for the breaking of a revealed radiance and a surpassing power that was never designed for containment. A carried treasure that, sometimes, is forgotten and covered up by our attempts at “pretty.”

I don’t about you, but I think that this has been a picture worthy of some ink…worthy of some words, and worthy of some further pondering as we prepare our hearts for exposure. God, alone, is worthy of a heart’s review. Man’s opinion is always flawed and often fatal. In the end, God’s opinion is always perfect and stands as final. And final sounds perfect to me, so this day I cast my heart before its Maker, and I ask him to make it–to make me–pretty.

Not for man, but for him. And so I pray…

Heal my heart, Lord, and make it pretty for you. Cleanse me from within, so that the radiance of your grace shines forth from the mirror of this face. Forgive my attempts at cover-up, and eliminate my desire for the same. I want to be a true portrait of your Gospel, and so I ask for you to cover me with the truth of Calvary’s gift. Let my beauty be birthed because of the cross. Not as I stand in front of the cross, but a beauty that finds its depth beneath and behind the cleansing blood of your surrender. You gave your Son to death’s embrace to make me pretty. Thank you for allowing such sacred beauty to be house within my clay. Humbly and with holy trembling, I carry my portion. Amen.

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A Cradled Surrender

“I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. … When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.’ ‘Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?’” (1 Corinthians 15:50, 54-55).
Momma, does it hurt to die?

Yes, baby, I think it probably does.

Why?

Because anytime something in us dies, we hurt.

Why do we have to die?

Because our flesh is the one thing that is keeping us from living with God, face to face.

But I don’t want to die, mommy. I don’t want to hurt.

I know baby. I know. But you will grow in your understanding, and one day your tears won’t taste so sad…

I cradled her in my arms as tears enveloped her tender cheeks. I understand her question. It is one that caught my attention when I was her age. It has kept me wondering ever since.

We are having a lot of these discussions lately. Heart talks. Talks about the indwelling presence of God within our flesh. It has taken on greater meaning for my five-year-old daughter because two weeks ago, she asked Jesus into her heart. On Good Friday. A perfect day for such a sacred embrace.

We knelt beside my bed where she offered her Creator the greatest summons of her heart. An invitation for him to come and to take up residency within her fragile frame. A decision that will profoundly affect the rest of her days.

Some would say that she is too young…too limited in her understanding to make such an important decision. I would say that her tender youth is the perfect beginning for her understanding of all things sacred. Her mind and her heart are fertile soil for her Father’s tilling, and the seeds that are sown in this season, will grow into full bloom in a season yet to come.

I cannot deny my daughter the gift of her salvation…no matter what others might reason. My God is an unreasonable God. An unfathomable, mysterious, yet attainable Savior, made available to all…especially to those whose faith is simple and is not yet overly tainted by carnal perspective.

So when these questions come up…questions about life and death and the surrender that exists between the two, I tell my daughter what I know to be true. Truths like…

This life is but a breath. God has determined her days. (Psalm 39:4-5).

Every step in her journey of faith will be filled with moments of surrender. Times when she will experience the pain of the “letting go” of her flesh so that she can fully live as her Father intended for her to live. (Romans 8:12-18).

Following Christ means embracing the cross, and the cross always requires a difficult obedience. (Matthew 16:24-26).

The sting of death has been swallowed up through the salve of Calvary’s victory. (1 Corinthians 15:50-54).

The One who awaits her on the other side of her surrender will be worth her every tear. (Philippians 3:7-11).

When her time on this earth is over, she will not walk her final steps alone. Her Father will come and usher her feet into her “next.” A “next” prepared for her by the nail-scarred hands of her Groom. (John 14:1-4).

Her tears are meant for this side of eternity, and her Father holds the Kleenex for her final cry of surrender. (Revelation 7:17; 20:4).

Truths like that. Not made up answers to soothe a daughter’s fears, but real truth as contained within God’s Word. And God’s Word is always true and will be the guiding light to grow her in her understanding of the Savior who now abides within her heart.

The truth is…death hurts for all of us. Until we surrender our last bit of flesh to its embrace, we never really live as our Father intends for us to live. And our God means for us to live. Abundantly. Fearlessly. Faithfully, and thoroughly. Within the boundaries of his abiding grace.

When I was my daughter’s age, I, too, began my walk of grace. Over the years, I have grown in my understanding of its mystery. I have needed its depth. Long and wide and high and deep. Indeed, God’s arms of grace have extended beyond the reach of Calvary to embrace me in seasons when my tears of surrender nearly drowned out my resolve for the process.

His arms still reach, and when I come to my moments of a deeper submission—moments of a difficult dying—like my daughter, I bring my tears to my Daddy and ask him this question.

Why do I have to die? Why does it hurt so much to die?

Like I did with my daughter, my Father cradles me in his love and whispers his truth into my painful why’s.

I know child. I know you have questions, and I know you hurt. But you will grow in your understanding of all things sacred, and one day soon, your tears won’t taste so sad.

I don’t want to be sad about my surrenders. I don’t want my daughter to cry about the envisioned pain she is soon to encounter. But I am sad and she does cry, and through our tears our Father’s cradling words are salve enough to soothe our dying aches. For he is well familiar with the dying process. It is what he came to do. To model for us a death’s embrace and to rise victoriously over its hellish sting. He did, and so we can. Thus, I pray…

Father, you have conquered the sting of death, and while I don’t wish for its embrace, I willingly accept its grip because I know that it is bringing me one step closer to complete intimacy with you…heart to heart…face to face. For all of the “deaths” that are required of me in the flesh, they are nothing compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing You. They are life. They are gain. Keep me to my surrendered cross, and keep me to your truth so that I am equipped to lead others to do the same. Especially one little girl who needs to grow in her understanding of all things sacred, and one big girl who needs to follow her lead. Amen.

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