You know the feature at the bottom of blogging posts… the one that suggests other posts “You might also like”? Well, every now and again I go there—click on previous posts I’ve written, some dating back to my beginning days as a blogger in 2008. There are a lot of posts to choose from, nearly 500 of them. Hard to believe. Where did all those words come from?
Sometimes it’s fun to look back and reflect upon a certain situation that fostered my creative juices; sometimes, incredibly painful. Regardless of the emotions that surface with the remembering, one certainty emerges for me each time I read one of my older posts.
Words came more easily for me back then, sometimes effortlessly. Today I have to fight for them—so much so that I sometimes question whether my writing days are coming to an end. It’s hard for me to type that. I suppose I don’t really believe it, but this I do believe. What was once the absolute passion of my heart has now been stymied by a season of pain and physical struggle. Prior to my cancer diagnosis and even in the midst of my cancer journey, writing was surprisingly easy for me. But now, as I’m cycling back toward health again, there is an ever-present struggle in me to be creative. To write what I feel, what I learn, what I truly want to say. Words get lost somewhere between my thinking of them and my putting them down on paper.
I grapple for the “want to.” Sometimes it all feels very hard, and I cannot express to you how incredibly painful this new reality is for me. So here I am tonight, caught in the darkness, praying for the light to dawn and to lead me back to what once was—a writing life that I enjoyed. A writing life stoked by the fires of creativity that once burned as strong passion in my bones.
For all the time I’ve spent writing and talking to you about the ways that cancer has given back to me, I’m wondering if just maybe this is one area of great depreciation… great reduction. It hardly seems fair. I’ve given so much to this cause… to this healing. Why must my words now also pay the price of my cancer?
God and me? Well, we’ve talked this one over. A thousand times over. Perhaps this is one of my “Why’s?”. Not, “Why did I get cancer?” I’ve never asked that question. Never. But just maybe I’ll ask it as it pertains to my words. “Why this, Lord? With every other surrender I’ve made, why now must I suffer with this deficit? Where have the words gone? Why have they abandoned me? Why does it have to be so hard?”
I wish I had the answer, friends. I also wish that I was more adequately able to express my heart to you with creative and powerful prose. I want the words of my heart to move you closer to the heart of the Father. My heart certainly resides there… in close proximity to God’s, but as I’m wondering and thinking and turning things over a thousand different ways in my head, for whatever reason, I seem to struggle with leading you there. And I am not at peace about it, not yet.
Yes, this is my why for this season. Maybe you harbor one as well. Maybe what you thought would be your case has, instead, become your question, your struggle, your wrestling with God. You want nothing more than to step back a few paces and recapture the magic of yesterday’s passion, yesterday’s dream, yesterday’s up-and-coming “sure to be.” Instead you hold your confusion out to Jesus and whisper the frustration of your heart—your “Why?”
I don’t know the “Why?” behind your “Why?”, but I believe the asking of it is relevant, is worthy, and is needful for each one of us to get back on track and to stay on track with Jesus. At least with the asking, we’ve opened up the dialogue. A good “Why?” is never wasted with Jesus. God always enters into our questions, and I believe that, in time, our hearts will resonate with an answer that allows us some measure of peace. Maybe not perfect understanding but at least enough peace to push us past frustration toward contentment. Until I arrive there, I whisper this prayer of strong hope…
Bring my words back to me, Lord. Cycle them back around to warm me. To comfort me. To write my life into remembrance. To write your truth into remembrance. Loosen their silence and fuel my pen with their refrain so that the meditations of my heart might be found acceptable, profitable, and beneficial for the kingdom. Let my laboring feel less like obligation and more like privilege. And when I am tempted to stay stuck in my “Why?” answer me with the truth of your promises for me. Let your words flow through me, not be hindered because of me… because of my cancer. I want to survive beyond this surrender. Walk me past this moment, past this famine, and let me thrive in the land of the living. You have saved me for a purpose. Please use me accordingly. Amen.
~elaine
His Word is living in you…it is still healing you. It may be so busy healing the inside that it's not ready yet to come to the surface for others to see…it may need more tender time with you first.
Praying for His voice to continue speaking to you in your wake and in your sleep. He will show you when and what words because you are very special to Him.
Elayne,
I found your blog in the midst of my journey–before your breast cancer diagnosis. I fell in love with your words and your writing. I will admit as a new writer, I would read your words with envy…oh how I wish I could make my words sing like yours. (I still wish this, but the envy is gone–as God has given me the gift of self acceptance–I am what I am!) I do understand the struggle of healing…many times I felt like I kept getting sent back to the couch. This December will be my 3 years since diagnosis and it is within the last few months that I would say I am at 85% with my healing recovery. (When I am tired, I still struggle greatly with word finding–especially names.)
I will be praying for you–that God will shower His blessing of words upon you!
I imagine this is a winter season, Elaine, that will fade one day and be followed by another spring — a fresh-flowing spring of words and ideas. There is beauty in even the winter season. I pray the Lord helps you find it in this more difficult writing season.
Though you may not feel the presence or ease of words, they, those you do write, continue to heal and soothe my broken and questioning heart! I've not one time been able to pick up and write in my journal since my Mark passed away, not once. I cry at my lack of ability to pour my heart out to God. Coming here, to your peace, continues to help and I am thankful for whatever word you are able to share as you move forward in your journey, dear friend!!!
Dear Elaine – I suppose that only another writer would understand the feelings you're having. And I do. I read this post earlier, before I went to Book Club. I've been thinking about you all evening. How I know those moments when words fall on me like a thousand rain drops – and oh, how I know those times when words are as scarce as water in a desert. Feast times, and famine times. Yes.
I know how distressed you feel right now. And yet, your words remain full and honest and heartfelt. They still deeply touch others – they continue to be creative and powerful prose. They do indeed move us closer to the heart of God. You know why? Because you are baring your heart TO God, and sharing with us your jewels. Trust me, they shine.
My best advice is to continue to write, whether it comes easy or not. I do not believe for a second that your writer's voice has been stolen. The words are not gone. This post proves it. It holds nuggets of pure gold – maybe they weren't lying on the ground, but they are more precious because they had to be sought and mined.
Your prayer was beautiful. I will pray that God will loosen a new and refreshing flood of *easy* words. But please know that the *hard* ones – even though you feel like you're in a desert – are rain drops to the souls of each of your readers. I am blessed by them, and by you.
GOD BLESS!
Elaine,
I understand a lack of words. However, I think 'chemo brain' has fallen upon you and you feel as if there is a lack of words and clarity. I believe this very post is evidence of an abundance of words…beautiful words that come straight from your heart. Perhaps they are just channeled differently than in the past. Perhaps they just have a different purpose and meaning. I can sense from this post that these very words could easily encourage others. Don't discount what is going on in your heart and head, dear one. God is still flowing through your pen/keyboard.
Elaine, I only found your blog this past year (summer, maybe?) and I would never have known your struggle with words. Your words seem so effortless. Reading here, makes me want to improve my writing. I sometimes have wondered if you write, then edit or if it just flows out of you. So even if it has becomed harder for you, and maybe you may not be able to write as often because you have to pull from deep within yourself, I know that I would miss you terribly if you decided to stop. What you have shared has left an impression on me each and every time, and you share it so eloquently. I know this is between you and Him, but I hope I can cheer you on just a little bit that He is using you, and you are magnifying Him through your words, even if you don't feel like you are.
Sweet friend, the words can never really be gone, because The Word lives in you. Take a deep breath. You pour forth living Words even in this season. The thoughts may appear blank to you, but we are watching you live your words. They are not just on a page, they are walked out on the pavement. I love this quote: "Sometimes silences speak louder than words."
They say music is always sweeter after a rest. Don't be afraid to take a rest my friend. There are still more beautiful songs to be written through your pen. Relax…it's not over…let yourself refresh and renew in this silent season.
Hugs and love,
Joy
Oh Elaine I have read through all of your comments here and find that soo many of the others share my feelings. The words may not flow like they did. You may have to struggle and crawl through the fog to get the thoughts and feelings down on paper, but trust me they still have TREMENDOUS impact, sooo much more than you'd think I am sure. Today's and the last several you have written are proof of that! I can't tell you how much your writing touches my spirit and heart. How often I am moved to tears with what you write. I often call my sisters or friends and read what you have written aloud. Don'
t let the enemy cause you to think that your words have been taken from you. I think you will find as you rest in Him and in this season of struggle, that you will in time come out with the words once again flowing faster than you can get them down. The Lord has blessed you with this gift, and He WILL use it for His glory with your more than willing heart.
HUGS, Debbie
I so understand this, Elaine. I've been in a writing drought for well over a year! I know the restlessness you feel now. I know the fear of feeling like you've written all you're ever going to. I just don't feel that about you. For some reason, the words of a song just popped into my mind: Greater things are yet to come; greater things are still to be done in this city…
As Christ's return draws closer, the words of the faithful will become increasingly important. He has gifted you too strongly for Him to now waste that gift. He just doesn't waste things like that. I believe this is a season of preparation for you. The time when the seeds are lying in the ground gathering nutrition from the inner soil, preparing for the day they will burst forth to feed the masses! Waiting is a most difficult task, especially when a heart desires to serve…to make a difference. But I have felt so strongly that this road on which you have been led is not without purpose. I have felt it is a path to a greater purpose God has for you. Greater things you've yet to do.
I think this may be the way of suffering. We gain some things. We lose some things. God is a restorer but when? I have no answer for that. I know I have faced the same loss of words. Sometimes I wonder if I even know very much at all. I begin to write and it goes in a direction I don't intend. I start again and then again. Finally some words…just a few…emerge. I stand back and look at them and finally feel they are right but it's with much wrestling I arrive there. And still the words are just a handful at a time.
I love these verses from 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 MSG. Reminding me that when I feel that words fail me… it allows God's glory to shine even brighter. Will be praying for you. Knowing that the Message will come through… anyway.
"You'll remember, friends, that when I first came to you to let you in on God's master stroke, I didn't try to impress you with polished speeches and the latest philosophy. I deliberately kept it plain and simple: first Jesus and who he is; then Jesus and what he did—Jesus crucified.
I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate—I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it—and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God's Spirit and God's power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else."
Rick Warren recently tweeted: "If you have to tell people you're the leader, you aren't."
So maybe your struggle with trying to "lead" your readers is a good one.
Maybe cancer has taken away only the necessity to feel the burden of leadership and replaced it with painful but necessary experience to minister out of weakness rather than strength…
R.W. also said, "A leader is defined by who is following them. An effective leader is determined by who is leading them. Hopefully it's Christ."
As you follow Christ, the words will continue to come. I DO believe this. Maybe not with the ease or frequency of your B.C. days….but His words in His timing….
Just thinking aloud here, and profiting personally from your struggle and pain. Thank you for your honesty.
There really is no going back to a past season, only a forward movement. Your writing is taking on a different turn, powered by a new kind of dynamic… and if you ask me, your writing these days is something like the singing of a night bird that sings beautifully in the night seasons.
Be encouraged, your way with words is not lost… it is just a new season that you have entered… You may not know it, but your words in the season you are in are even more powerful and meaningful.
Much love
Lidia
I'll take your few and far between words any day of the week. YOU may feel the words aren't coming… I sure don't.
The 'deep' of our life is not always victory and joy… in fact, it's the heartache and pain that seems to be the real learning place. When we are forced to let it all jut 'hang out there' before God, and we take baby steps forward… with words that aren't polished, just carved out of our hearts cry… those are the words and pain that He uses, His process in us. I'm old enough by now to know that no one who wants to walk deeply with God is going to escape suffering. The world wants to run from it, sometimes so do we, but the way God blows those ashes into life and hope again is what the molding and remaking process is about. Spring is coming!
xo
"Words came more easily for me back then, sometimes effortlessly. Today I have to fight for them—so much so that I sometimes question whether my writing days are coming to an end."
You know I relate to this. For over a year now. I know how to pray and am right alongside you. Love you, my dear friend.
No worries, my friend; words have to be born. It would appear you are pregnant with them and, in the course of time, they will come forth & make you every bit as proud as do the 4 beloveds you birthed in their season.
"but as I’m wondering and thinking and turning things over a thousand different ways in my head," Yes, that is where I am too….I want to write, and I think about writing…but the words don't come…and the ones that do…well, I hesitate to write them, because they aren't pretty, or encouraging, and I'm not sure they need to be heard….so I wait, and hope that one day soon, I'll be in a different place, and the words will once again flow.
Just know that your words are always a help to me and to so many others…even though it may not seem that way to you.
I read all of your posts and marvel at your word choices and the music within them. I think sometimes our words come easy, sometimes they don't. Let it be. Let your words rest. I've had to do that and then I discover with a ton of joy that they will come out again.
As difficult as it may be for you now, you ARE still writing my dear sweet sister, and better than ever! Don't you ever forget that nugget. You are in a desert of sorts but it is not a waste. Document along the way for the Lord has a plan for your future which most likely involves the very passion He gave you.
I have been in a writing drought for well over three years and just now coming out of it. Truth is, if I'd written what was on my heart back then it would have been a disaster.
My heart has since settled on the life lesson that says, I'd rather never write another word if it doesn't come from God, than a library of words of my own that are worthless.
Take notes sweet sister. You are currently living your future words on paper. God is not done with you. He is simply purify your passion within.
I love you with His everlasting love!
Nancy
Your readers have cast their votes…all words penned of your journey…have touched lives…and whether the words are shared daily or monthly or whenever…they proclaim a life that is living its purpose…and being used by God….
Thanks for being such a beautiful picture of Jesus in action, love you my dear friend,
You so eloquently put the cries of my heart lately:
Yes, this is my why for this season. Maybe you harbor one as well. Maybe what you thought would be your case has, instead, become your question, your struggle, your wrestling with God. You want nothing more than to step back a few paces and recapture the magic of yesterday’s passion, yesterday’s dream, yesterday’s up-and-coming “sure to be.” Instead you hold your confusion out to Jesus and whisper the frustration of your heart—your “Why?”
Lord, I'm longing for a glimpse of yesterday's passion! Thanks for sharing.
Oh Elaine, when I read this post the day you you wrote it I wasn't able to respond but wanted to assure you I see no loss in your writing. However, coming back and re-reading it, I am more incline to just say "embrace this season". I don't say this cause I see a change in your writing but because what you are feeling is very real for you. Though the words God lays on your heart may seem far from you they are still reaching us in a mighty way. You have a talent that wow's me my friend. That hasn't change a bit from this readers perspective!!
Keep focused on Him, not the writing. Just rest in Him…maybe He just needs to hold you closer a bit more before He sets you off again…to His amazing plan for you.
Respite can be a very very good thing…but not for your readers (wink-wink). Love you. Praying for you.
Living in His Embrace~Pamela
Elaine, while I'm not walking your very personal and tender situation of cancer, I do understand the loss of words to write and how empty that can almost make you feel. I'm not a "writer" as you are but I love to write and express my heart in God. It's been an avenue of escape since the abuse of my childhood. It's been a way to pray, praise, think out a thought, express pain and pleasure and to hopefully touch the lives of others who stop in to my blogs and now my book so when the well of words seems dried up I have to lean in hard to God and remember that it is in Him that I write (or do anything) and if the season of words is a bit quiet then I use that quiet time to seek Him even more.
My friend, you may think the words are not there but you bless many who stop in to read your heart. Lean in hard on our God. His hands are around you. His words flow in and through you.
Blessings.
wifeforthejourney:
I'm praying for you specifically this morning that even if the easy flow of words has not yet returned, you will not lose heart. Like so many of our country neighbors who depend on well water, the remedy for a dry well is often to just dig down a little deeper.
The words you long for, I'm hoping, will arrive around the same time a certain bunch of high-quality pictures are delivered. Be sure and check the mail today!
Love you and your latest writing project! Hang in there,
Billy
Elaine,
Bless you for writing this post. I know your words will return and bear much fruit. You are gifted and I plan to buy your book in 2012. 🙂 I believe God will continue to empower you as you rest in Him. You are precious to me, even from afar, I'm on your side.
Much love and gentle hugs,
Tiffany