Two things I know for certain as I begin this week:
1. My emotions and the feelings attached to them aren’t reliable; they are ever-changing.
2. God and his Word are reliable; they never change.
In regards to number one, I’m in menopause … an induced menopause due to my ovaries being removed. Forget the 5-6 years of perimenopause experienced by most women prior to the full onset of menopause. There’s been nothing gradual or measured about my introduction to this new phase of life. Eight rounds of chemo forced my body into a medical menopause; the oopherectomy (ovary removal) following the chemo sealed the deal.
What does that mean? The estrogen/progesterone that my body once produced because of the ovaries have now been eliminated. In addition, the adjuvant course of treatment I’ve been prescribed, Armidex, works to prevent the remaining estrogen in my body (mostly produced by the adrenal glands) from growing. Confused? Maybe this will help. According to EMedTV:
“Arimidex is part of a group of medications called aromatase inhibitors. Aromatase is an enzyme found in various places in the body. These enzymes help produce estrogens (in particular, a certain estrogen called estradiol). In postmenopausal women, most of the estrogen in the body is made by aromatase. By blocking these enzymes, Arimidex helps to decrease the amount of estrogen in the body.
Many breast cancers are sensitive to the estrogen hormone, meaning that the tumor grows with the help of estrogen. When a tumor is sensitive to estrogen, it has receptors on the outer surface of its cells. Estrogen fits into these receptors like a key opening a lock. When this connection is made, the cancer grows.”
So … I think it’s fair to say that my emotions and the feelings attached to them aren’t reliable in this season. My body is constantly playing tricks on me, and my reactions are often either “off the charts unreasonable” or “completely unavailable.” There seems to be little middle ground between these extremes as I recently wrote about in this post. My precious friend, Judith, tells me that (as cancer survivors) “We don’t have the bandwidth that we used to have, Elaine.” She’s right. I don’t currently have the range of frequency with which my body can operate effectively, nor the transmission capacity I once had.
For example… a precious lady approached me in church recently, obviously upset as indicated by the tears pouring down her face. She was in deep, emotional pain and desired to share that pain with me. I was mostly with her up until the point that I needed to “feel” for her. I knew what my reaction should be, but my empathy had a difficult time catching up with my should. When this happens, my compassion becomes functional, not felt. For some folks, this is a typical way of handling the issue of another’s pain. For me, this a huge departure from the way I’ve always operated. And friends, I don’t mind telling you that this is a tragic loss for me. Perhaps one of the most costly surrenders I’ve had to make in this journey through cancer.
I don’t tell you this to garner your sympathy. I tell you this solely for educational purposes, so that if you’re someone who is going through the same thing or you know someone who is going through a forceful, immediate menopause, you might better have an idea as to the “goings on” behind the scenes.
All this being said (and I realize it’s a lot to digest), all is not lost. Which brings me to number two—my second certainty regarding my upcoming week (really regarding my life). God and his Word are reliable. They never change. They are the consistent underpinning of my heart and life, my walkabout in faith. Regardless of how my emotions are or are not presenting themselves on a daily basis, God is presenting himself as he has always presented himself.
Truthful. Reliable. Strong. Steady. Certain. Fixed. Constant. Unchanged.
Who God IS and everything that he has said about himself in his holy Word is, in fact, reality. The same God who cradled Eden’s soil in his hands and fashioned Adam in his image, is the same God who cradles us, shapes us, and breathes over us his holy validation. The same Jesus who cut through choppy waters and walked his peace on top of those waters to a boatload of fearful disciples, is the same Jesus who walks to us in the middle of our darkest nights to extend his hand of kingdom courage as ministry to our doubting souls.
Creator God, Savior Jesus, Companion Holy Spirit, cannot be anything other than what he has always been. Others have tried to make him less—tried to box him in and call him by another name—but their attempts at renaming him are futile attempts at control. And really, when personal control becomes an issue, then truth becomes relative—easily shifted by the changing winds and temperament of the individual involved.
Still and yet, God does not change, and it is this one reality, this one certainty that keeps me moving forward in my faith. Keeps me digging into the treasure of Scripture to take hold of truth, even though my feelings lag behind my obedience. God’s Word is my anchor, my hope, my “go to” resource as I navigate these strange waters of this new season. In its entirety, it doesn’t feel like it should, but it’s my reality.
The temporal reality of menopause. The eternal reality of God.
In the end, it’s the number two certainty of my season that will trump all others. God doesn’t ask me to ignore the other realities that are present and pressing … just to temper them with the greater reality of his presence. In doing so, my bandwidth increases, and I am better able to engage with the life that he has entrusted to my care.
Whatever temporal reality is staring you in the face today, I pray it tempered by the truth and witness of our living Lord. Spend as much time with him examining eternal truth as you are spending looking into the mirror examining temporal truth. In doing so, your bandwidth will increase and your perspective will regain proper focus.
Lose yourself within the truthful, reliable, strong, steady, certain, fixed, constant, and unchanging God who created you. The Jesus who saved you. The Holy Spirit who sustains you. The Truth that renames you…
Survivor.
As always, peace for the journey!
The explanation is informative, Elaine. The concept of strengthening my bandwidth is encouraging. The changeless-ness of God is empowering!
May you continue to find stability beyond your highest dream – in Him!
After my surgery in September I went through the same forced menopause. All of the things you are going through are familiar to me….and add to that deep depression. For me it was like stepping into insanity….none of it made sense to me. It was like becoming another person.
I won't go into the long story….but I am learning to walk through this period of my life.
I know that I am the same person and by God's grace I will learn to walk this period out just like so many women before me.
I will say this…it gives me a different perspective on older women that I used to view as unemotional. 🙂
Dearest Elaine…
I remember my baby sister going through the same thing after her breast cancer treatments. A year after chemo, surgery etc she had a complete hysterectomy, so I very familiar w/ what you are experiencing. At the age of 34 she went through menopause. At the age of 45 (46 in a few weeks) I'm in menopause as well. Not because of cancer treatments, but just that part of a woman's life that is "natural". Grrrr! Natural – I don't feel too natural! (can I blame Eve for this?) My "personal summers" have turned into "personal heatwaves" 😉 – my sleep, or lack there of is taking a bit of a toll as of late.
I was feeling so rotten this morning that I called my sister and we talked some of this out, since she has walked the path of menopause, even if it was journeyed differently. I LOVE how God works… not only my conversation w/ my sis, but also venturing into blogland today. (something I haven't been doing as much of this summer).
"The temporal reality of menopause. The eternal reality of God."
Those words spoke to me and I will treasure them deep in my heart. I will pray those words when I am experiencing the hot flashes, night sweats, the lack of sleep and the lack of energy. I told my sister today "I'm just worn out".
I hate to complain when there are so many others experiencing heart ache, pain, illness etc. But sometimes I just have to throw myself a small pity party! I am thanking the Lord today… He let me have my little pity party and then used my sister and you to pull me out of my pit! Temporal… menopause is temporal!
Thank you friend! Love you!!!
Elaine, love how you remind us that the same God who formed Adam and the same Jesus who taught and lived among the disciples are the same God and Jesus who are our portion today. What a comforting and awe-inspiring thought.
My feelings have been a mess lately, too. So thankful for our God who never changes!
Just beautiful. I needed this today.
Elaine,
First and foremost, I'm praying for you. Thank you for sharing.
Strengthening my bandwidth indeed as you are yours. You said it best for me in the very last sentence:
"The Truth that renames you…"
As I often say, our emotions change as much as I change my undergarments and that's often and daily (making a funny) but our GOD CHANGES NOT. He's reliable and we can lean on and cling to Him.
Keep steady clinging to Him in this next season of your life. Girl, the best is still yet to come for you!
Much love!
"The temporal reality of menopause. The eternal reality of God."…
There's not much I can add to this Elaine! You have named the 2 extremes, and #2 will trump #1, every time, and for sure, He is going to do that in your life.
Having said that girl… I am SO GLAD to have those years behind me, and you will be too! 🙂
xo
Because of breast cancer, I share the same lack of bandwidth. Love that term:) I also had a total hysterectomy and this Spring finished 5 years of Arimidex. Since James died, my emotions have been put to the test, but with God's help, I have remained calmer than anyone, especially me, would have imagined. I call upon the Lord and He calms my emotions just as he calmed the waters. He is my bread, my meat, my water, my sufficiency, and I am humbled and grateful.
XOXOXO,
Brenda
PS: I left you a short Twitter tutorial on your comment to my blog. Hope it helps.
The post-chemo regimen is also difficult,as you are finding out. So thankful that God is consistent and reliable…even when your hormones are not. I have several friends traveling the same road that you are on and so I know a tiny bit of what you are going through. I pray God gives you an extra portion–a Sabbath portion—of manna in this regard.
"My emotions and the feelings attached to them aren't reliable; they are ever-changing. God and his Word are reliable; they never change." This truth has many applications and believe me, I have been repeating similar words to myself daily as we continue in this season of unemployment. Whatever our circumstance, going back again and again to the truth of God's Word and believing it, is the only answer and the only road to peace of mind in trying times. I've been through "instant menopause" after surgery at age 47…and I can vouch for those ever-changing feelings! You WILL get past this…in the meantime hold onto what you know is reliable and never-changing! Thanks again Elaine for your openness in sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly! Praying for your upward and onward progress!
beautiful post – I admire your strength and devotion to God.
I've Become My Mother
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This was a good word Elaine, something we need to cling to when everything seems so out of control.
I have felt much of what you are experiencing, so I guess I am "normal" Sometimes I feel like I am riding an emotional roller coaster. But he never changes and that is our stability
My poor hubby and sons bore the brunt of years of perimenopause and menopause. That's how the "Man Cave" (in our basement) came to be. 😉
Still working on increasing my bandwidth…still sleeping with the fan on. This I do know, though…things do get better with time.
Love you
I could never guessed at these things going hand in hand. This information just helps me to understand so much better. Thank you for sharing such personal things going on in your life, it is going to help those of us not walking this path to be a help to those who are. Thank You, Lord, that You are constant!
Elaine, don't know about the effects of cancer…but I so relate with the menopause….you've given great thought this morning for me to ponder on….
Prayers and Blessings!
~Beth~
Oh, Elaine. As if going through surgery and chemo weren't enough! When I had cancer it was possible that my ovaries would be removed (thankfully they weren't) but I know what a harsh and immediate reality it is. I pray for extra doses of strength and peace.
Maybe now it's time for all those folks who have received buckets of compassion from you over the years, to practice what they've learned and heap compassion back on to you.
Your post has certainly touched a nerve with so many women. Even in this dark time, God is using you to bring healing and light to their pain.
I love you, my friend. And no matter what your bandwidth, God still calls you, "Beloved"… "Daughter"…"Mine"
Love and prayers,
Kelli
"The temporal reality of menopause"
…after several years of perimenopause, and now officially into menopause….it's not feeling very temporal…and for my kids, well, it's been a lifetime for some!!
Thanks again for an encouraging post!
Wonderful, heartfelt, and informative Elaine… Thank you for opening your heart and feelings to us.
My mother went through what you're describing as well, so I'm familiar with the "outer perspective" of this.
Like any temporal seasons we travel in this life, we can find strength by anchoring ourselves to the eternal reality that our Heavenly Father provides us.
Thank you for bringing that perspective and light to your readers Elaine, and have a Blessed Day!
Elaine, you are one of the most honest, out-front persons I've ever 'met' and I love you for it! I'm so sorry for all the toll this disease has taken on you both physically and emotionally!
I am posting under 'Anonymous' today only because my daughter is a very private person and I want to mention her. She is 34 and had to have a total hysterectomy in April of this year. She had already had 3 surgeries in the past few years because of having endometriosis so terribly bad but the constant unbearable pain never could be controlled that way so she had to have the drastic 'open-up-your-tummy' surgery. She and her husband had tried everything…and that means everything but I won't go into detail…to be able to conceive a child but her ovaries and tubes were much too damaged for this to happen. Needless to say, she has been in a deep valley these past months. She was put into a forced memopause and was not able to get on any kind of hormones because they were afraid there were still some endometriosis cells hiding in her other organs and the hormones would feed them and she would be back in the same mess. Add to that the sadness and depression from knowing she would never bear a child and it was really bad. Oh she knows there is adoption and hopes someday to be able to go that route but there's STILL the sadness of knowing, as she says, she will "never carry a baby in her tummy". After 4 months she has finally been put on some hormones but as of yet she had not gotten rid of the hot flashes, night sweats, and all the emotional roller coasters. She has been able to start walking again and that has made her feel better I think. I pray that in time God will help her to get back to a normal life. I can identify with her a little as I am 58 and have been in menopause for several years now. I don't have so much trouble with hot flashes as I do with my emotions and my forgetfulness.
Love you Elaine!
Those words He plants on your heart are so thoughtful and inviting to read. I am sharing your post with my Bible study girls as you have nailed it in that no matter how dark the times are, such as… when your daugther who only has one semester of high school no longer thinks she needs your guidance and chooses to be on her own and the state of Missouri has taken away all parental rights when their children turn 17…no matter how dark it may look for her and how grieved your heart is, He still IS, He hasn't changed, and He is in control!!
We really do need to have a table discussion up in heaven about this menopause thing…I really think the curse of Eden on women is this and not child bearing!!
Love you friend!
Living in His Embrace~Pamela
Getting lost in His truth is ever so sustaining in all situations. I know not what you are going through, only that I can be your sister, on the West coast who hold your heart close in prayer and friendship. Love and Blessings. elizabeth
Although I didn't go through a forced menopause, I have been through menopause and it's a difficult time. But like you said, He is faithful and unchanging even when our feelings are constantly changing. Praying for you.
Oh. Wow. I don't know how you put reality to print so well.I so very much appreciate it every time. Much to learn for encouragement. Thank you for being faithful to share your gift. 🙂
~Kathy
Elaine this was such a good post…I so understand the concept of strengthening our bandwidth! I had an emergency hysterectomy 5 years ago following 3 years of the "pre" junk and it was a MOST difficult time. I still have an occasional hot flash or mood swing and it is STILL not pleasant. How grateful I was to test negative for the estrogen thing that would have made it necessary for me to take that medication too. I didn't even think or realize the way it would work, so this was very informative and I know now how to better to pray for a couple of women I know. I LOVED this…
The temporal reality of menopause. The eternal reality of God.
It is just soo true. Hope your days are going a little better. Hugs to you, Debbie
Oh, Elaine. Powerful post. SO on TARGET. I'm in menopause. Taking the prescribed bio-natural hormone replacement therapy medications helps…but I still realize daily what a "see-saw" my life is at times.
Thanks for sharing this–I've thought about you so much since returning home from SS. The facts that we are so changed inside by what happens to our bodies on the outside–and we have to learn to deal with–adjust the "dial" and not be consumed with "us"….that's a struggle for me. I just have to say it. S-t-r-u-g-g-l-e.
You help put things in perspective. I need it. Constantly. Thank YOU. Praying for YOU.
Love you friend!
amazing as usual. thank you for the Holy Spirit living in you!
What a powerful truth to encourage! I have spent many a season (including menopause) talking to my body about how fickle & unreliable it is when it comes to this or that. In fact, any time I "react", I have to give myself a time out until I return to normal.