I burned some words yesterday.
My words.
Three journals worth of words dating back sixteen years to a season in my life that walked wildly and in selfish pursuit of sin. I didn’t call sin, sin back then… didn’t name my thoughts and, consequently, my resulting actions as sin. Instead I named them as “reasonable reactions”—the natural, resulting overflow from a life that was seemingly void of the love that I longed to hold as my own. Rather than going to God with my sin in that season, I went to my “pen” and spent a great deal of my evening hours trying to justify the choices that I was making.
I don’t know who I was writing to back then… journals are kind of open ended in that respect. It’s probably a really good thing that I didn’t have a blog sixteen years ago. Some words… some thoughts of our hearts are better kept as private, between us and God. Not everyone needs to know the “everything” that’s wrestling itself out upon the stages of our hearts and minds, especially those who stand in the direct line of consequence—our families and our friends.
Writing words can be a healthy way of working out our thoughts, feelings, and questions. But when those words serve as our personal justification for sin, well, where’s the merit in that? What can be gained from going public with that kind of nonsense? I suppose we’ll always be able to find someone who is willing to stand in our corners and champion our “reasonable” choices for sin, therefore adding some credibility to our decisions to reveal the inner chambers of our thought life. But the pay off is temporary. Any pats on the back that we receive for our sins are a stumbling block—both for us and for the one who is doing the patting.
When we replace God’s truth with the enemy’s lies, we stunt our spiritual growth. In some cases, we altogether shut it down. That is exactly what I was doing sixteen years ago—making a deliberate choice to disengage from the pursuit of holiness. I didn’t clearly see the egregious nature of my decision back then, but I see it now, and I am sickened by it. I barely recognize the woman behind those words. I recognize the handwriting, but I do not champion the heart behind those words. Nothing written in that season deserves a pat on the back. Nothing. My heart was rotting from the inside out, filled with the sin-sick disease named “self.” But for the grace of God, self nearly killed me.
Nearly.
I don’t know why I’ve held onto these “words” for so long. To be honest with you, I haven’t seen or thought about them in the six years since moving here. I only found the journals yesterday while cleaning out a bottom drawer of my nightstand. I recognized them immediately and bravely allowed myself to go there… one more time. To open up the pages and to relive a bit of that season and the pitiful nonsense that infiltrated my thought processes which, eventually, sent me down a treacherous path of sin. The results were devastating. Sin should never be underestimated. The toll it takes on a soul and on the souls surrounding its witness is far worse than originally billed. I know. I’ve lived that payment; so has my family.
It would take a long season before I willingly looked back over my shoulder to see God’s grace chasing after me… an even longer season before I allowed it to catch up with me, but it did. He did, and my life no longer carries the sin of my words from sixteen years ago… maybe a memory or two along these lines, but I am no longer held in the grip of those memories. Thus, my willing walk with my husband yesterday afternoon to a make-shift fire pit in our backyard.
I’m not a fan of burning words, friends. Our personal words are a precious gift to us from God. They mirror the inward pulse of our hearts. But the words I burned yesterday no longer reflect the pulse of my heart; they only seek to diminish it. They aren’t in keeping with my current pursuit of holiness. The only worthiness that can be found in their existence now is in what remains after their holy burning upon the altar of God’s intention.
Ashes. This is what remains.
Which brings to my remembrance an important word I received from Dr. Steve Seamands regarding my ashes during an Ash Wednesday service that closely followed the penning of those journals some sixteen years ago. You can find the story in its fullness on pages 18-20 in “peace for the journey: in the pleasure of his company”:
“God loves ashes [elaine], because ashes can be blown anywhere by the wind of his Spirit.”
Yesterday, I burned some of my words; today, all that remains of those words is a soft pile of gray which is more than willing to be picked up by the wind of God’s Spirit and to be blown in accordance with his will. Burning our words is sometimes the right thing to do, friends, especially when those words are keeping us separated from God and from his perfect plan for our lives.
Perhaps today, you have some lingering “words” from your past—hidden away thoughts that are buried deeply within the corners of your heart. You’ve almost forgotten them, but every now and again a “move” requires your attention to their presence in your life. Perhaps today, you’re writing some of those words… maybe living them all the more. You’re making a willful choice for sin, justifying your cause and pleading your case before any available ears that are willing to listen. You’ve long since given up on reasonable understanding and have begun to accept the lies that the enemy is sugar coating in your defense. He seems to be on your side, and if you haven’t already taken a bite from the apple, your lips are close to breaking its skin.
I understand where you’re at, because I’ve been there. I made my home there for a long season. The ash heap in my backyard is living proof of that season. Thankfully, I no longer have to carry those “words” with me any more. Long ago I surrendered the sin behind those words to God; yesterday, I surrendered the temporary remnants. Tomorrow? Well, maybe God’s wind will come along, pick them up, and carry the witness of their final defeat into the lives of those who need a similar victory… who need to know that they were meant for more than apples. That they, in fact, we meant for the kingdom of God. That maybe it’s not someone else who needs to know, but that maybe it’s you who needs to know.
The day is fast approaching when our surrendering our sins to the flames of God’s purifying grace will be no more. Many people are counting on that more… believing that more days will follow this one and that tomorrow would be a good day to make good on today’s sin. Make no mistake, friends. We’re living on borrowed time—God’s time. Today is the day of salvation. Today is the day to clean out the drawers of our hearts and minds and to dump the baggage into God’s fire pit. There are no words you can offer to justify the sin of your heart. None. And while there is great grace to be found on the other side of willful sin, there is great grace to be found on the front side of sin’s full invasion upon the soil of your heart.
Take hold of that grace today. Surrender your thoughts, your words, and any precursors to eventual sin to God and allow him to replace the enemy’s apple with a rich portion of his divine, sustaining strength and power that is more than capable of moving you past the apple and onto the heavenly feast that’s been prepared in your honor… in my honor as well. I’ll meet you at the table, friends. And when you get there, don’t be surprised if you smell the lingering scent of smoke on my skin and see a few fragments of gray on my fingers. God loves ashes, and this day (well beyond the days of my sixteen years ago), I’m burning brightly for the King and his kingdom. As always…
Peace for the journey,
Copyright © May 2010 – Elaine Olsen
Oh Elaine,
I have a similar story of a past laden with the justification of the sin I lounged in. You are so right…there is always someone around who will help us justify the sinful things we do. What is difficult to find is that treasure of a person who will name sin for what it is.
The main difference between you and me is that I did not journal my sinful season. God, be praised. All that remains of that season in my life are my memories and those of the people with whom I interacted. God uses those memories to remind me that I NEVER want to go back to that place. NEVER!!
Great post, my friend.
Have a blessed Memorial Day weekend.
Leah
This was powerful.
I remember when I threw away a few of my old journals, i experienced a mixture of great relief, in the power of letting go of the past and great saddness over the person I once was. I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who has been with me each step of the way, who didn't leave me, when I chose to turn from Him at times.
Thanks for once again sharing your heart.
Happy weekend.
I too, do not have a written journal of those past days I would like to forget…a few scars remain to remind me of where I could have been if not for His grace…
We are living on borrowed time…as you wrote…and so many are reaching for the apple…instead of accepting His bounty…
Your post blessed me greatly, Elaine!
Awesome post!
Parting with our written words can be so difficult, but in this case it seems so symbolic of what you have already done in your heart. To keep those words for someone to come across in the future, could only hurt them and even their memories of you…the you they know now.
I'm thankful that I don't have a journal of that season in my life.
Wow Elaine, I've journaled for so many years. I have stacks of old journals that reflect my walk at that time. There are seasons of good times, much pain and sorrow and lessons learned.
You are brave to burn them. I'm not sure what I will do with mine. They are my private thoughts and sometimes I wondered who would read them when I'm gone. I may need to consider burning some of mine too.
I'm so glad that we now have blogging to capture our thoughts and feelings. However, not everything is meant to be public.
What a powerful message though Elaine. Did I ever tell you that you have such a way with words? LOL; you do!
Hugs and love,
Debbie
I love this! I've also burned or shredded journals that perhaps served a purpose at the time but no longer held value in the words and weren't the legacy I wanted to leave behind for anyone to read. This is the ultimate simplification: get rid of what no longer applies or is of any value. Clean out the old nature so the newness of Christ can blossom as life emerges from the ashes just like it does after every forest fire.
I love the ashes analogy. Beauty from ashes…
You'll recognize me, too, by the few ashes on me that remain from burning my former journal of words that are no more part of me now that I realize the freedom in Christ and confession of my nasty habits…okay, okay it is sin. Praising God for His grace today with you. Peace to you, wonderful sister.
Beautiful, beautiful blog, my friend. I didn't write my sins into words but wore them on my heart many years. Graciously and thankfully, Jesus burned them from heart and great love has bloomed from the ashes.
Amen!
Love,
Starla E.
I've burned a few words myself. They would profit nobody. Better they be ashes.
Great post.
throwing away/ burning old journals that held the lies we once believed is very healing.
Also, I wanted to let you know I got your book and I am enjoying it. It is like reading your blog…inviting and inspiring.
I did much the same a year or two ago. Destroyed journals from years where I was going through some issues. After Missy's sudden death, I became acutely aware that we have no promise of tomorrow and that words written on a journey such as I was taking then don't need to be read after I'm gone. Their full context could never be understood, and irreparable hurt could have been the result. I did not burn them, but I kept our shredder humming. I did retype the good stuff before destroyed them however. Big, big job. So happy to have it behind me.
oh, what a fabulous post my friend.
so much to ponder. so much to treasure!
LOVE YOU SO!
Amazing…
I think I should do the same. It's just finding those journals!
Thanks for sharing your heart and doing so with such honesty.
Your words continue to inspire me!
Excited about your book Elaine~
Elaine, profound words here. Definitely hit something with me. Wishing I could bottle this up and share it… thinking it would make a good chapter for another book.
"Tomorrow? Well, maybe God’s wind will come along, pick them up, and carry the witness of their final defeat into the lives of those who need a similar victory…" I have so lived this… and it strengthens me to read them.
I've got journals dating back many years, but some time ago I embarked upon a word-burning event of my own. The years between 1986 & 1990 were pregnant with dismal darkness, and the journals associated with them simply had to go.
I can look back at the pile of ashes and confess straightaway: He has brought beauty from them!!!
Whatever you do, don't burn the words you've penned here.
Hugs,
Kathleen
As I was reading, I thought, I know exactly what Elaine is talking about. My past was filled with "wrong choices" but today my ashes are being scattered…Amen!
Yesterday, my husband said to me that he likes the woman I've become,and he's grateful for the true repentance in my heart. Those words I will treasure always.
love and hugs~Tammy
I think it's time to burn my diary from my youth. Yea, it's time.
I have many a journals from before I let Christ into my heart. Journals of searching and wondering why I was so miserable and making such poor choices. Every now and again when I am cleaning out I open one and take a look and wonder "who was that girl". Oh, I know who she was, she was a girl living without Jesus. A girl set on living her life her way and not listening to anyone who got in her way. A girl who was so lost.
So thankful that my pen has turned to a new word. The word of truth. The one and only who can bring us up from the ashes.
Beautiful post Elaine.
Blessings to you-
Jennifer
A beautiful story Elaine! I have often regretted that I did not keep up on my journaling during the 'rough' years of my life. But after reading this I feel as if I'm blessed not to have those words around to bring back the hurtful memories.
Thanks for sharing your heart.
God bless! 🙂
Wow-wonderful post and full of thought provoking inspiration! Love that we can capture our thoughts and feelings here by blogging.
Glad to meet you.
Please do visit my blogs when you can.
Have a good day!
Blessing.
I'm taking the Grace. I have a few words I would like to burn as well, Elaine. God has taught me a lot, though, from revisiting some of those prodigal times. You encourage us all by sharing your story. Love to you, friend. I'm still looking for the music…
What an encouragement to my heart. Like Leah, I'm thankful to God that I didn't journal in my sinful season. Like the line from the Point of Grace song I love so much…"heal the wound, but leave the scar…a reminder of how merciful you are…" While I still bear a few of those scars, the knowledge of God's merciful grace to cover them is such comfort to my soul. Loved this post. Blessings my friend. I pray you and yours are having a wonderful and special Memorial Day weekend.
I think it is a curious thing to ask ourselves who we go to when sin approaches the heart. Is can be a testament to our very walk towards that dark place when we choose those whom we will know will validate our "process".
I remember in the darkest parts of my sin I went to an alcoholic and asked if to much drink is to much. I went to a sex-addict, who at one time was a devout christian and asked if to much was to much. Both honorable citizens by the world's view, but I knew a little more about them than most, and thus in my dark, choices towards sin, got the validation I needed.
I ask myself now, who do I go to when sin is knocking at my door. I am ready for the answer of Truth in HIM?
So many of us can identify with this post on many levels. Thanks.
This one shoots right to the top of "Elaine favorites"… what a strong and wonderful expression of just what God does in our lives. He purifies, and the ashes that remain become beautiful as He uses them for His purposes.
LOVED, loved this one my friend!
Sonja
I'm continually in awe over the way that God can redeem our messes, how he can raise up beauty from these ashes.
No, not easy thing to burn words. But I think of the way Jesus did this with our sin — taking it as far as the east is from the west.
"It. Is. Finished." Now those are words that we can hang on to.
Powerful post. When I was a chaplain at a drug & alcohol rehab center we used to have patients write some of their past story down, and then many of them chose to burn them. They gloried in the smoke and residue of paper floating off into the air, their painful thoughts and feelings floating off with them.
WB
So thankful God is able to make beauty from our ashes…
Have a blessed week, Elaine!
Elaine,
What a great testimony! This is my story too!I understand words. Unlike you, I didn't journal my sin in a book…but rather in my heart for a very long time. Then when God entered into my heart…little by little, the clean up began and it has been ongoing ever since. When I think I have gained victory here, God comes and calls my attention to another place…where words had sought to consume, God replaces with a different newness. Oh…like you, how I pray that God will scatter my ashes and cause many to see their sin and waywardness!
God is faithful! Thank you for sharing your ashes with us…May the Lord redeem the words which cannot be burned…and bring many to salvation through your words today!
Love and hugs,
Gladwell
Thank you for sharing this today. I too have stacks of journals from another time in my life when I wasn't following Jesus like I should have been. They are buried away and I haven't looked at them in years. I always thought keeping them would remind me of my foolishness. I'd not thought of burning them but I can see it in the future:)
Wonderful post here, Elaine.
You are such a blessing!
Hugs,
Jackie
I am in agreement with Sonja….this is one of my all time favorites! Wow! Awesome post and awesome nuggets that you have shared for us to ponder.
"I willingly looked back over my shoulder to see God’s grace chasing after me…" Just loved this portion! I clearly have a visual of this and need to hold it close ot my heart!
Have a wonderful Memorial Day with your family and friends. I'll be in touch later this week to see how it's going!
Love you!
Susan
Elaine,
Thank you for sharing this post. When I read about 'Joy" burning her journals a few months ago…I thought: How?? I don't think I could ever do that. But truly this makes sense of it. Someday…I may have the courage to face some of my old journals and say goodbye to them forever. It is true that I certainly wouldn't want anybody to read them!!
Again, thank you for sharing,
Blessings, Cindy
Elaine, your ashes are a great testimony for everyone who listens to you. Thank God for his mercy. I do not know where I would be withough salvation.
I thank the Lord for you and your walk with him! Thinking of you and praying for you,
Andrea
This is one of your best posts…awesome, my friend! I didn't write journals "back in the day", but there are some memories of years I surely would like to toss into the flames!
Thanks for the phone call today and your words of encouragement…
Love you
Goodness that was good!! Better than Good, it was Great! I have done the same thing quite a few times…both the sinning and the surrender. The latter is the better choice right friend?!
Blessings and keep up the GOOD words!
Pat
Elaine, this was beautifully expressed, as always. Giving thanks to our Father, Who has bestowed on you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair (Isaiah 61:3). I love you, my friend! 🙂
Elaine, thank you for allowing God to work in you and use you. Thank YOU Father God for using Elaine to share Your message of hope. I praise YOUR Holy Name. Amen!
Elaine,
This is powerful and I can relate. I've journaled since my teens — prayers, praises unto GOD, troubles, struggles,questions and hurts.
In later years (late twenties until…); I've kept journals of WORD notes…nuggets of wisdom I glean in the Lord or from people who I respect in the kingdom.
I have kept prayer journals as well.
I have found that the deeper parts of the pain in my past which had once been scripted onto sheets and volumes of legal pads in my teens I had to finally destroy them long ago at the prompting of the Lord.
I had to let go emotionally and I couldn't until I also set in motion a physical letting go. Hence, tearing up into small pieces (just as you burned yours) those pads that held all the tears, fears, questions and pain of a child who was abused and unsure of what was going on for so long. Damaged goods and behavior (as a result) is what I lived like for so long until one day DELIVERANCE IN JESUS NAME!
Thank you for sharing this with us Elaine.
I love you.
How did I miss this one? Such thoughtful action and words…I relate to carrying the words of others. Long ago words that wounded deeply and that I had held on to far too many seasons in my spiritual walk. Oh, the relase that comes when we confess our sin! He removed unforgiveness and gave me joy. Praise Him…
Thank you for these words. Blessings.