I’ve thought a lot about her over the past few days. Thought about her courageous fight against cancer and all the many ways she chose to deal with her disease in that season. Thought about her choices, her responses… the days she chose isolation over population. The times when she seemed to push away from instead of pushing into those of us who loved her… those of us who wanted to do more than to simply sit by and watch her slip away home to Jesus.
It seemed reasonable to me that she’d want me around. After all, I was laughter and smiles and hope for tomorrow. All I wanted to do was to help—a seemingly reasonable and generous gift to give to someone in great need. All I wanted to be was to be “let in”—cloistered amongst that inner circle that gave me safe sanctuary and open access to her pain. Instead, I was given arm’s length access to her suffering.
That was enough for her; it should have been enough for me.
But it wasn’t. And I judged. And today I render my heavenward apology to her, and say “I’m sorry” for thinking that I needed more… for assuming I understood; for pretending that a few words of well-spoken faith were enough to ease your discomfort. For forcing your feelings when all that you really wanted to do was to hunker down, tunnel through, breathe your next breath until that next breath arrived… indicating that you had made it beyond the momentary horror that gripped your flesh.
Yes, I’ve thought about her these past few days as I’m pushing through my own pain, and I am humbled with understanding because, now, I hold some of my own.
Understanding.
I don’t wish it for any of you, not in this way. Oh, that understanding could come to us otherwise. For depth of insight to be birthed in peaceful trajectory rather than in haphazard flight. For suffering’s lessons to be learned amidst the fall of autumn’s embrace rather than the dank and brittle of winter’s confinement. That we could really grasp the length and breadth, height and depth of Job’s renderings without ever having to scrape and spoil and sit amongst ashes. That we could truly learn the value of our flesh in a single pause without ever having to walk it to the outer edges of surrender.
That we could hold holy truth without ever having to engage with its contrast.
Oh that we could.
Oh that I could.
Apparently, that which I cannot. This time around, I must learn holy truth the hard way… the stinking, rotting reality of just exactly what my flesh means to me and my allegiances therein. Of sorting through the layers to reach sacred perspective… kingdom perspective. A God perspective that assures me toward more than what meets the eye… than what slays the flesh. That births in me something far greater than words and ideals and a faith that stops at the front door of my heart.
An understanding that will, once and for all, usher in for me an unshakeable, unwavering certainty in and of the one God who can be trusted with it all.
Beginning. Middle. End.
I thought knew God before cancer. Apparently, I’ve only scratched at his surface. And I am not afraid of his personal disclosure along these lines… of his willingness to draw me in and to let me see more. To ask more. To dig more. To hurt more, for I am convinced that it is in this more that my journey toward Peace really begins. Everything prior?
An entrée and excellent feast to whet my appetite for his Excellency.
Everything next?
My crossroads. The stone on my path, marking where my walkabout with the King commences. Where I discover my story, my country, my dreams, and the truth that I have never, ever been alone.
Not for a single moment.
…
Yes, I’ve thought about her over the past few days. And in the midst of my anguish, I’ve smiled a time or two, because she now holds something I’ve yet to fully grasp.
She holds understanding.
She lives in holy truth.
She no longer grapples with the question of her flesh because she is clothed, instead, with God’s.
Blessed Peace for the journey. Blessed Peace for today.
May God be your portion, my good, kind friends.
Elaine,
I read each word and felt each word. Whatever I say next means nothing for what you are going through and growing through. Just know that you are prayed for and cared about. All the time.
I have had to read this too quickly so I will come back as I want to hear your heart fully…to not be rushed and give you what you deserve. I owe you that.
Like Terri, I am just a prayer away and loving you across the miles. Trusting Him. Believing Him.
I will be back….Pamela
I will also come back and re-read this Elaine. For His child, the long dark night of the soul is where we meet Him… in ways we never even dreamed! HE is meeting you there. No one else walks it completely with you, except Jesus… HE walks it with you, as you are already seeing.
I love and pray you through this, but your shoes are walking it, not mine. Mine may be another test… still, HE IS FAITHFUL!!!
I love you a ton!
Yes Elaine, May God be our portion.
Understanding is narrowing my focus of who His is and broadening my awareness of who I am Not.
You though my friend are an encourager of faith!
You are a blessing as I face my own private pain however different from your own.
I continue to lift you up to our Faithful God knowing that He holds you closely and embraces your every breath.
Blessings
Elaine,
Each word written by you today- I experienced in a way I can only say was of Him.
Rest sweet friend and put your feet up. Breathe easy. Keep your eyes open in quiet anticipation…then watch and see what He can do!
Understanding is never fully realized until we trod the same path. May your discoveries bring your faith deeper, richer, fuller and stronger.
I think of you often and each time, I pray.
Grace to you, my bloggy friend.
Denise
This brought back memories of my Mama and her fight with cancer.
God bless you my friend Elaine!
Love you!
Marilyn…in Mississippi
Ah, Elaine, you put into words what so many of us so poorly try to explain…that we are "blessed" in the midst of our cancer fight.
I'm cheering you on as you hunker down to roll with the punches, to groan with the blows, and to weep in the middle of the night as you pray to our Lord. God is stretching you.
Thank you for these beautiful words, Elaine. Your writing has always moved me, but I sense your sharing will only become richer as you continue on your walkabout. God bless you for generously including us in your travels.
Faith Elaine, your honesty in the face of profoundly painful issues and memories is powerful. As we are beneficiaries, we cannot hold that lightly. It is one thing to know that God doesn't waste anything – it's another to see that lived out in your life.
So I ask Father God for His shalom to keep your love, your mind and your pen in a loving and useful rhythm that blesses you, your family and The Kingdom.
We overcome, we overcome, we overcome,
Judith
Psalm 16:5-6
LORD, You have assigned me my portion and my cup;
You have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Your heart overflows with His love and GRACE!
Be blessed today!
Love you friend,
Stephanie
Elaine – beautiful ending may God be our portion! AMEN!
Praying for you as you walk ever so close to Him now! Trusting Him to overcome you with His love and peace!
Rest in Him!
Blessings,
Jill
Elaine,
I sometimes wonder about the grace that is so apparent in some (like you) who are going through such difficult times. I see how His grace IS sufficient, present tense. It IS enough now and yet enough when we need more. How is it possible? Is it because He is I AM THAT I AM, a present tense God? Just wondering.
When I desire to share a few words of comfort with someone, and find I can't, I can still share words with the One who can minister real comfort.
Thank you for your transparency and eloquence. Blessings to you.
It is not easy on this side to begin to feel or understand. However it is easy to think about what I might do at arms length. Cook up meals for your family, do your laundry, dust and clean. I am to far for any of these things, but know that I would come in quietly, ask nothing of you, and serve your family. I love you.
Elaine, I am so grasped by your description of the journey you are on. Such depth and widsom flows from your heart and pen. The Father surely has many jewels of the Kingdom in store for you, His precious daughter.
You remain in my thoughts and prayers, dear friend.
Love,
Andrea
these words tug at my heart, wrap around my soul and just penetrate deep into my spirit.
your faithfulness is a true testimony of God's love and mercy. He continues to hold you and use you in a mighty way to minister to so many.
PS – had my very first mammogram today – God used you to convince me to do what I had been putting off. love you so!
Oh, Faith Elaine. How I hurt for you. I'm reading an amazing book right now called The End of Suffering. Written by a poet (no, it's not poetry 🙂 after the death of his father. It's about his search for meaning in the suffering. So, so powerful. I think you understand this lesson so much better than I. I love you, lady. You're the best.
This is so true. I feel so inadequate. Not wanting to say words that are stupid or hurtful, so sometimes saying nothing at all.
But knowing that my prayers say everything that I cannot.
I love you. And wish I was there, too.
Sweet, sweet sis, asking God to lead you through this journey very gently. May He teach you many precious lessons of love in the process. Never ceasing to pray for you, or love you.
Beautiful post, Elaine. Thank you for sharing your "feelings" with us!
~Beth
Elaine,
If nothing else, cancer is intensely personal. It gives you eyes to see and ears to hear you never had before. I thank God that you're experiencing His more. I pray for His continued comfort and revelation, for total healing and for peace for the journey you now travel.
Love and prayers,
Kelli
Oh Elaine this is the 3rd time I have been back to read your post, and I still don't have the words. Your journey is soo personal and yet you share it so willingly with us and leave us with just a glimpse into the mighty mercy and grace of God. How grateful I am for that. How it touches and ministers to me. I pray that you continue to feel His peace on this journey and it continues to just overflow onto all those who come in contact with you. Wish there was more I could do than pray, but KNOW I will do that everyday and as often as the Lord draws you to my mind. Bugs and blessings to you, Debbie
I am at a loss for words. Part of me wants to quote several items you shared, but another part of me wants to sit quietly with them. My spirit recognizes something precious here … like new fallen snow.
What I will say is that the most profound impact in my life, especially during times of great difficulty, (and besides the Lord) are those that could abide my need for solitude, or for anger therein.
You bless me greatly!
Kathleen
Thank you so much for writing me back. It meant the world to me that you would take the time and write a stranger.
Your words today are stunning. I think you should put these "journal entries" into a book. They would encourage so many cancer patients and non cancer patients as well.
As an oncology nurse, sitting with patients while they received chemo, I can say that I too have judged. I slapped a superficial "you can get through this" conversation on them; of course meant as a good intentioned pep talk, but completely wrong because I had absolutely no idea what they were facing. Next time I will just listen. I guess it's like trying to advise someone on how to climb a mountain when I've never climbed the mountain myself. I appreciate your insight. It's made me look into my own heart.
I prayed for you this morning Elaine. –Jamie
One thing has always struck me about you, Elaine. Your kindness.
I've read you many times before, but now as I read your posts more intently, and more regularly, my conclusion remains the same. In good times, in "bad" times, your heart has remained soft.
Gently the tears fall from my eyes as I read your words. You have chosen your words carefully, not going into details, leaving so much unsaid… yet never for a single moment withholding your heart from us.
Indeed, it is a journey you have chosen to share with us, and allowed us to walk with you. Even if you would have preferred, like the unnamed woman you wrote about, to go through this journey in private…
I am touched by your kindness, Elaine. That you would not wish me, or the rest of us your readers, to gain understanding the way you are gaining it.
God is your portion and your strength.
Keeping you close to my heart,
Lidj
Continued prayers as you walk this road.
Thanks for being a blessing through the struggle.
Elaine,
We are praying for you, Billy and the family each day. You are so inspiring to those who are priviliged to know you or read your words. Love the haircut and love you! Amy D (PFUMC)
Elaine, I'm certain there is nothing I can say that has not already been said. My words are going up to the Heavens on your behalf with love.
Psalm 27:13-14
Elaine, I wish you didn't have to gain your new understanding in such a hard way, but I'm certain God is going to use it to minister to many in the coming years. Even now as you give us glimpses into your most private thoughts as you go through this battle, you're helping us all gain insight into what so many like you are going through. Thanks for finding the strength and the heart to write. Love & Prayers!
Elaine…I am somber reading this again. The journey of the past few days and the tasting of death…I am cautious to even write.
To have such joy and such pain in a single breath…such peace and such sadness in a single heartbeat…live it this past weekend. This is what I know…there is victory. That is all that comes to my mind after reading your words. Victory we do not full comprehend or understand in this mortal body. But it awaits us…as Gods fingerprint in our life.
For you my friend, there is victory. There is peace. There is understanding and there is love. Its coming down from above and out from among all of us and your family. Embrace this…even this moment you are in.
Believing Him~Pamela
PS…I love you friend.
I was at the dr.'s office last week alone in the examining room…waiting with a thin paper 'sheet' covering me. I had a powerful moment holy moment there. The Lord revealed Himself as the Great Physican. He was going to shine the big overhead light into my heart. I felt so small. In that moment, I whispered to Him "I don't really know anything about you."
He sees and knows what we just don't get here especially when it comes to pain. I am lifting you up to Him Elaine. love, B
Yep! Job's friends, most of us at one time or another. God, forgive me.
I think I'll print this out and put it SOMEwhere* for future reference…
*It's that SOMEHWERE that's getting filled up and needs organizing,but I can't help myself!
Wow, Elaine. Wow. A beautiful woman with a beautiful story. Yes, beautiful – you have found beauty for ashes, and poignantly shared it with the world. Beautiful…
I found some years back that there is an intimacy with God that seems to come in no other way except through suffering. How quickly we want the intimacy, but not to travel the road that takes us there. Once there, we do get insight that only comes from personal experience. And there IS purpose in suffering:
"Praise be to God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." II Cor. 1:3-4
God's peace Elaine as you continue your journey.
re-reading my comment, I hope you don't think I missed the point of your post. I didn't. I know you intended to help and comfort your friend and I am sure you did. God knows your heart of hearts…and now through your own suffering He is giving you such holy understanding…
I was told once that sometimes when people begin to "withdraw" when they are facing death it is because their focus is turning to that which is unseen…I found great comfort in that thought in observing my father's last week in this world…
Such beautiful, wonderful words. Thanks for continuing to share your journey with us.
May we all see our journeys they way you are seeing yours. Drawing closer to the Father. He wants relationship and that's what He gets we He is the only place we can turn.
Sheryl